Unforgiveable
by The Ret
Summary: How will the team react when a member does something unforgiveable to another? How do the involved parties cope? UPDATED: 10 June 2010. Warning: Story contains both rape & drug use. Do not read if under 18 or easily offended.- FINISHED AT LAST!
1. Chapter 1

**** WARNING****

This story contains both rape and drug use. If you are underage do not read. If this offends you - do not read. You have been warned!!!

The charaters are not mine. I am just borrowing them, and will return them later :)

**Unforgiveable**

Emily tapped hesitantly on Hotch's apartment door. She checked her watch, it was still only 9am on a Sunday morning, and she felt guilty about waking him when they'd barely slept in the past week.

She rapped again, louder this time.

"Hotch! Its Emily. I think I left my phone here when I dropped you off yesterday."

Emily heard the locks on the heavy door creak and it swung open.

"Sorry, I think... Hotch??" she gasped, taking in his appearance. The crumpled dark shirt and jeans, clearly been slept in, his unshaven face and unruly hair both concerned and amused her. She resisted the urge to giggle.

"Big night huh?"

"Emily?" he gazed at her, unfocusedly, seemingly confused.

"Are you okay?"

"What are you doing here?" he replied somewhat coldly.

"Sorry to wake you. Have you seen my phone? I think I must have left it here yesterday."

"What? You're awaiting a call? On a Sunday morning? What are you really doing here Prentiss? Why can't you just back the hell off! I am NOT interested!"

"Hotch?" Emily gasped, stepping backwards into the hallway involuntarily. "Whats...?"

"Please leave. Now." He turned to close the door in her face but she held it open, unnerved by his icy attitude. Had he been drinking?

"But..?"

He glared at her furiously. "I told you to leave Prentiss. Im fine, and I don't need your goddamn mothering"

"Okay, but can I come in, just for a minute, Im worried about you"

He stepped back, opening the door with a callous laugh "Sure come right in then, make yourself at home."

Emily stepped into his living room warily, her eyes scanning the area for empty liquor bottles. She didn't think Hotch was much of a drinker, and his actions didn't really suggest it, but then.. what?

Emily's musings were interrupted when Hotch suddenly grabbed her forearm. Tightly.

"Come on, I need you to see something." He pulled her towards another room, further into the apartment, which she had never entered before.

"Ow! Hotch what are you doing. Let me go."

"I need you to see something. Now."

Still holding her now bruised forearm he threw her roughly into the other room, her shins colliding painfully with the foot of his bed. She put her free hand out in an attempt to steady herself but instead fell awkwardly, face first, onto the bed.

"For god's sake Hotch! What the hell has gotten into you?" She rolled onto her back and attempted to sit up.

He laughed, but the laugh was without humour or warmth and it made her shudder. He quickly grabbed her shoulders and pushed her down onto the mattress with his weight on top of her. His eyes were cold and empty and she gazed up at him in shock and bewilderment.

Panicking, Emily placed her hands on his ribcage and pushed with all the force she could muster, but he barely even moved. She managed to scratch his neck with her fingernails and hissed in pain.

"You know you want this Prentiss. Im just giving you what you want."

Emily slapped him across the face, hard, screaming at him to get off her. He moved his lips to her neck and began kissing her. She let out a small cry of pain when she felt him bite the skin close to her collarbone. What was wrong with him? Why was he doing this to her?

It was true she had secretly loved Hotch for a long time now, would have done anything for him. Although they had never discussed their feelings, and nothing had ever happened between them, she was confident that he felt the same way. It was kind of an unspoken agreement, a line they would never cross or acknowledge. For years she had been dreaming of them being together, but not like this, never like this. This was a side of him that she had never seen before and it horrified her.

Hotch bent to kiss her again, shifting his weight slightly as he moved his mouth further down her chest, his arms still pinning her shoulders down. As he moved, Emily seized the opportunity, moving her right leg from under his she delivered a swift kick to his groin.

"You.... bitch!" He let out a howl of pain and glared at her, retaliating with a sharp backhand to her jaw, momentarily stunning her. Using this to his advantage, he released her shoulders and grabbed her wrists, pinning them above her head with one of his hands. With the other hand he began unbuttoning her blouse, his knees digging painfully into her thighs, holding them down and preventing her from kicking again.

Emily was terrified. Finally realising that he fully intended her rape her she began to cry.

"Don't do this Hotch. This is not you.. Don't do this".

"Shhh.. Its okay, I wont hurt you."

Emily couldn't move and felt completely helpless as he finished unbuttoning her blouse and moved to her bra. He had it open in seconds and leered down at her, she couldn't move her arms to cover herself and felt her cheeks burning with shame.

His hand drifted to her legs and she felt him pulling up her skirt, his hand gripping her panties. She forced herself to stare at the bedroom wall next to her, her mind in denial, still not really processing that this was real.

With one swift move Hotch ripped her panties down, his fingernails scratching the soft skin of her stomach and hips. It stung, and she bit her lip and groaned. She felt utterly helpless and worthless, her arms still pinned above her head and completely incapable of defending herself against his onslaught. In a blind panic of tears she began begging.

"Hotch, please don't do this. Please. Don't hurt me please."

"It's okay.. Just relax, I won't hurt you".

"Hotch please don't". He moved to place his free hand lightly across her mouth.

"Shhh.. Its okay."

She heard his zipper open and felt his knees edging her thighs apart. His hand moved downwards, between her legs. She shut her eyes as she felt his fingers touching her. Softly, carefully and with an unexpected gentleness which sickened her, he parted her folds and she whimpered.

Keeping her eyes shut Emily willed herself to be silent as he entered her suddenly and forcefully. Failing miserably, she let out a shriek of pain and shock, her body arching up against his involuntarily. Her eyes opened and he hovered above her, for a split second their eyes met and he stilled. A moment of confusion passed through his eyes before they resumed their coldness and he began to thrust, deeply and roughly.

Emily shut her eyes again and prayed for it to be over. The pain was immense, she had no idea sex could be this excruciating. How much longer would she have to bear it? Even with her eyes closed the image of him looking down at her, unfocused and in confusion was burned into her retinas and she felt she could not escape his gaze.

A few long minutes later she felt him release and her rolled off her. Seeing her chance for escape she grabbed her handbag she ran for the ensuite bathroom, locking the bathroom door behind her. Emptying the contents of her handbag on the floor, she retrieved a bottle of mace, cursing her stupidity for not carrying her gun, even though she knew that there was no way she could possibly bring herself to use it. No. Not on Hotch.

Forgetting her underwear, now discarded in his bedroom, she adjusted her skirt and attempted to rebutton her blouse. Her fingers were still shaking so much she let out a muffled cry of frustration. Glancing in the mirror Emily was shocked by her own reflection, usually pale, she now looked deathly white, with a large bruise already forming on her jaw. Holding the mace with her gun hand she wrenched the bathroom door open quickly and made a run for the hallway, not looking back. She reached the front door was relieved when she slipped out without hearing him following her.

***

Turning the scalding water off, Emily gingerly stepped from the shower. Her discarded clothes from the morning lay in a trash bag on the bathroom floor, awaiting disposal. She knew she would never face wearing them again. Calmer now, though still shaking slightly, she regarded her reflection in the mirror. The bruise on her jaw was a darkening purple and a bite mark was visible on her collarbone. Her wrists were red and scratched where he had restrained her and looking down she noticed bruises also forming on her hips and thighs. There was a small amount of blood on the towel when she gingerly dried between her legs, biting her lip in pain.

What now? Should she call someone? What was she going to tell them? Emily was damned sure she was not going to be forced to go to a hospital. She wasn't really injured and she knew that difficult questions would be asked, ones which she just could not answer. As shocked and humiliated as she was Emily realised that there was no way she could ever report it. Not Hotch, even after everything that had happened she wouldn't do that to him.

Emily sighed, she really didn't want to talk to anyone but didn't think she could bear spending the afternoon in her apartment alone and in tears. JJ? Should she just call her to chat about inconsequential things? Even though she couldn't tell JJ what had happened the thought of hearing her friends voice lifted her spirits immensely.

"Shit" she cursed to herself. She was supposed to meet JJ and Henry this afternoon for a shopping trip. There was no way she could go, her bruised jaw and wrists would not escape her friends notice. She would have to call and cancel. Emily got up slowly, her whole body feeling stiff. Where the hell was her phone?

***

Hotch opened his eyes to a throbbing headache. The afternoon light in his bedroom was bright and it caused a searing pain behind his eyes. He got up from the bed and staggered to the bathroom. Grabbing the toilet bowl he leaned over and retched several times. His stomach churned and he broke out in a cold sweat, shivering on the floor.

Snatching a towel from the railing he mopped his face, cringing when he reached the fresh scratches on his neck. He traced them lightly with his fingertips. What the..?

Hotch was confused. He had no memory of getting scratched, had he done it in his sleep?? Then again, he realised he had no memory of getting home last night. He had been out with his brother Shaun and a few of Shaun's friends at a bar. Had something happened to him? He felt increasingly ill and retched again.

As the nausea began to abate he stood up slowly, feeling the urge to use the toilet. Looking down he was surprised and mortified to find his fly and belt undone. What the..? He noticed a small amount of blood on himself and his thighs. Withdrawing his hands from himself as though burned, he reeled in horror as his memory suddenly returned. His legs turned to jelly and he collapsed on the floor.

The incessant ringing of a phone dragged Hotch back to consciousness again a short time later. He staggered back into the kitchen and located it, pressing the button with shaky fingers.

"Hotchner."

"Hotch...? Its me. What are you doing with Emily's phone."

"JJ?"

"Yeah. I was looking for Emily. Is she with you?"

"Ah... No. I'm... I was sleeping. She's not here. I guess she must have left it here."

"Okay then. No problem. I'll try calling her at home. Sorry to wake you."

JJ smiled as she hung up the phone. Emily forgot her phone at his house...?? My ass, she giggled. She had suspected that there was something going on between the two of them for a while. Emily would have a lot of explaining to do tomorrow.

After hanging up the phone Hotch ventured back to his bedroom. He still felt deathly ill but was now more concerned with finding Emily. Surely his memories were deceiving him, he could not have hurt her that way? No way! The thought of it disgusted him.

In his bedroom he was forced to face the harsh reality of his nightmare. Emily was indeed no longer there but her underwear still lay on the floor, kicked to one side at the foot of the bed where he had attacked her. Oh God! This was actually real! What had he done? How could he? The staining and blood on the bedspread bought the reality of it all crashing down upon him. It was definitely real. He had hurt Emily in the worst way imaginable and now he had no idea where she was and if she was badly hurt.

With shaky hands he dialled Emily's home. He didn't think he could face speaking with her but needed desperately to know she was okay. There was no answer. Was she alright? What if she hadn't made it home? But then he remembered, JJ was taking her shopping this afternoon. If she hadn't been home, JJ would have raised the alarm by now. Wouldn't she??

***

A/N: Please review. Constructive criticism appreciated, flames ignored. There is still waaaay more to this story (in my head). Let me know if its interesting enough to be continued. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**** WARNING****

This story contains both rape and drug use. If you are underage do not read. If this offends you - do not read. You have been warned!!!

The charaters are not mine. I am just borrowing them, and will return them later :)

**Unforgiveable**

**Unforgiveable**

**Chapter Two**

Emily woke with a start, it was Monday morning, her alarm was beeping and her body hurt like hell. She considered calling in sick, but that would involve speaking with Hotch, and she wasn't sure she could handle that yet. Even though she could not make herself report him, the thought of seeing him both scared her and made her disgusted with herself for being scared. He was her boss, and until yesterday he was her friend. Now she didn't really know who or what he was. She got up and began dressing.

The bite mark on her collar bone stood out prominently against her ivory skin. She hated it. Every time she glanced in the mirror it was a glaring reminder of what he had done. She felt the mark was somehow mocking her, not letting her forget for a minute. It was like she had been branded.

"I am not a coward" she told herself, "Hotch can go to hell. If he thinks I will sit at home and cry and not have the guts to face him he has another thing coming. I can do this. I will let him see what he has done to me."

***

Hotch arrived at the office early Monday morning. Still feeling ill and looking like hell he was desperate to make sure Emily was okay. He was half expecting her to call in sick and decided he would go to her apartment if she did.

Entering the building he half expected the security guards to tackle him and demand his badge and gun. They didn't. Emily obviously hadn't reported it yet. But why not? He thought. God what if she was really hurt? What if she had collapsed somewhere? Loathing was not a strong enough word for the feeling that he had for himself right now. How could he do something like that? And why?

Dave was already working when Hotch walked quickly past him to his own office.

"Morning" Dave called. Hotch didn't answer and Dave just shrugged and went back to his work.

***

Everyone was already working when Emily entered the BAU. She wasn't late, everyone else was just earlier, keen to get started on their files. She took a deep breath and willed herself to be calm. Holding her head high she walked quickly to her desk, hoping her arrival would not be noticed yet, she was not so lucky.

"Wow! What happened to you?" JJ exclaimed loudly, as she was passing Emily's desk with an armload of ever-present files.

" Oh, It's nothing JJ. A guy tried to steal my handbag yesterday. I wasn't going to let him."

"Some guy tried to mug you?" Morgan questioned, concern evident in his voice. "Did they catch him?"

"I didn't file a report." Emily stated, shaking her head. "He didn't get my bag and well, what's the point? I'm sure Reid will be able to give you some statistic of how few of them actually get caught."

"17 percent" Reid chimed in approaching her desk. "Gee Emily, that some bruise you have on your cheek. Bet it hurts!"

"Its okay. Im fine really."

JJ was not so sure. She had noticed her friend's nervous demeanour and was alarmed by it. Emily was never one to be rattled easily, something had shook her up big time.

Emily noticed Dave now approaching her desk and sat down quickly, turning her back to them all. She knew that they would all ask questions and be concerned about her, she just didn't realise how difficult lying to then would be. She felt her throat constrict and tried to compose herself. Breaking down now in front of everyone would not be a good move.

"Come on, lets go get a coffee. I'll just let Hotch know".

JJ grabbed her hand in a friendly gesture and Emily grimaced, pulling her hand away. The bruises on her wrists now tender to touch.

"Oh Emily" JJ cried, open mouthed and horrified. "Your arms...what?"

JJ threw a stricken glance at Dave, who now stood next to her. Emily stood up and retrieved her handbag. Unable to face the concerned looks of her teammates she began walking towards the door.

"JJ lets just go get that coffee. I think I need some caffeine"

JJ followed her and they hurried out, leaving behind the startled looks of their teammates.

The exchange did not go unnoticed by Hotch, who sat in his office, alone and mortified. The rest of the team were clearly concerned about Emily's injuries and he couldn't even bring himself to leave his office. Facing her could only bring back painful memories, but he knew he couldn't avoid her forever. She would have to report him he knew, and then the horrible truth of what he had done would come out. He couldn't even face the rest of the team.

Dave tapped on the door to Hotch's office. "Hotch – Have you spoken to Emily today."

Hotch looked up, panicked. Has she already told Dave what he had done to her?

"Uh. No. I haven't. Why?" Hotch couldn't raise his head to look the older profiler in the eye.

"She got mugged on the weekend, seems really upset about it. It's not like her..."

"I'll speak to her when she comes back" Hotch interrupted sharply, looking up at Dave for the first time.

"Hotch what happened to your neck?" Dave's tone was one of curiosity, not an accusation.

"I think I did it in my sleep"

"Oh. Okay." replied Dave and left Hotch's office, feeling somewhat uneasy.

Hotch put his head in his hands and sighed, he knew that he couldn't get anything past Dave.

***

JJ and Emily sat in a nearby coffee shop hugging lukewarm cappuccinos. Emily stared at hers absently.

"So what really happened Em? Are you going to tell me?"

"I told you JJ, a guy tried to take my bag."

"And he what?... Restrained your hands and bit you?"

Emily winced, she had forgotten how visible the mark on her collar bone was. She shook her head.

"Just drop it JJ." Emily snapped "Im fine, really. We better get back to work."

***

Returning to the office JJ was slightly relieved when Hotch entered the bullpen. If Emily was going to talk to anyone about whatever had happened it would be Hotch. They were close. JJ's thoughts strayed back to the phone call of Sunday afternoon, Emily had been at Hotch's place and left her phone there. Maybe he already knew??

"Prentiss. Can I speak to you for a minute?"

Emily jumped, she had been sitting at her desk staring at her mobile phone, which now lay mutely next to her computer. The phone, the cause of all her current woes... Hotch's voice startled her.

"Prentiss."

Emily shot a panicked glance at JJ. She felt cornered. Like a deer in headlights she didn't know which was to run.

"Ok. Hotch, coming."

Observing from his office, Dave didn't miss the way she cringed when Hotch spoke to her, following him meekly into his officer with her hands shaking and her head down. What was going on with those two today?

"Prentiss. Sit down please." He gestured for her to sit and shut the door.

Emily glanced at the closed door for a second and sat, her back rigid in the seat and her hands clenched in her lap. She inhaled deeply and raised her eyes to meet his. She saw the pain and guilt in them before quickly looking at the floor again.

"Prentiss its been 24 hours. Why have you not reported me." Hotch demanded in his most businesslike 'drill sergeant' voice.

"I..." she hesitated, unsure of what to say.

He picked up the desk phone and began dialing. "I think Strauss is up there now. You should go and see her."

Emily pushed the phone back into its cradle. "Hotch Don't"

"Emily...what I did to you was abhorrent and disgusting. I don't know what came over me. I never..." He shook his head and she heard his voice break "Im not sure how you can bear to be in the same room as me at the moment..." he trailed off as Emily began to cry into her hands on the other side of the desk.

"Emily I can't bear to think about what you went through yesterday. What I did sickens me. You have to report it. Don't worry, you are not to blame for any of this, you wont be moved off the team."

Emily found her voice. "I can't report it Hotch. I just can't."

"Why not?

"I just..." she took a deep breath and tried to steady her voice. "The Aarron Hotchner I know would never do something like that. It wasn't you."

"Emily... It was me."

She shook her head and began crying again. Unable to compose herself this time she put her face in her hands again and willed herself to disappear.

"Emily." By the state of his voice Hotch was trying hard not to break down himself. "I know that sorry just doesn't cut it... I think...... Do you want me to get JJ?"

"No. Im okay, just give me a minute."

It was odd, Emily thought vaguely, that the person who had done this to her was in fact the one person who she wanted comfort from. But that was not going to happen, she chided herself, Aarron Hotchner was not to be trusted.

Hotch was desperate to help her but was at a total loss. What could he do? She obviously didn't want JJ to come and comfort her. He resisted the urge to wrap his arms around her tightly and whisper to her that everything was going to be okay, no – he had lost the right to do that yesterday, and now there was nothing he could do to fix it. Just seeing her sitting there opposite him caused a procession of painful flashbacks to replay in his memory. He could still feel her struggling underneath him, crying, shaking, begging for him to stop and in his mind's eye he could see himself cruelly and relentlessly abusing her. Forcing himself inside of her.

Emily took a deep breath. "Hotch look at me."

"What."

"Just look at me.. please."

Emily leaned forward and looked deeply into Hotch's eyes. They were bleary and bloodshot, full of intensity and desperation and she forced herself not to look away.

"I think there's something wrong with you."

"Emily." He dropped his gaze.

"No." She shook her head slowly. "Your eyes. They look strange, the pupils are enlarged."

"What..?"

"I saw it yesterday too." Emily admitted in a soft voice. "Have you been taking drugs?"

"What..? No. You know I'd never do something that stupid."

"I'm not sure of anything at the moment Hotch, but I think you need to get checked out. You should be drug tested."

"Emily I haven't been taking drugs." He shook his head.

Before realising what she was doing, Emily grasped his hand and forced him to look at her.

"Please Hotch. Go to the hospital and get checked out. Please. I'm worried about you. Your behaviour and your eyes, there may be something really wrong. Please do this for me." She begged.

"Okay. I will go." He nodded, staring at her hand clenching his, both amazed at her courage in being able to touch him and sickened by the bruise on her wrist.

"What about you Emily?" he asked, concern in his voice. "Have you seen a Doctor? Please tell me that you have?"

"No." She replied, her throat constricting again. "I'm fine, really."

"Emily..."

" I don't think I can handle it. And they will ask questions and I can't.... No. Apart from a few bruises I am fine."

"But... after you left I saw.... there was blood...."

She shrugged "Its nothing. Please go, now.. I don't want you collapsing or something." She withdrew her hand, only then realising how long she has been holding his.

Hotch stood and grabbed his briefcase. She followed him and they left his office together.

"I'll call you when I know something. Ah... Is that okay with you?" he hesitated.

"Yes its fine. I meant to ask you, what were you doing on Saturday night, I mean, after I dropped you off? What did you do?"

He looked confused. "I.. I went out with my brother and his friends... to a bar or two. Jack was with Jessica."

"Were you drinking?" she heard him inhale sharply. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like an accusation"

He shook his head "I wasn't drunk Emily. I only had a couple... I think." He looked puzzled. "I really can't remember actually. I can't remember getting home." Hotch looked at her, a panicked expression on his face. "I can't remember much at all. Something is definitely wrong."

"Go Hotch. Do you need someone to drive you?"

"No. Just tell the others I'll be back shortly."

Emily returned to her desk, feeling uncomfortable in the stares of her team mates. She knew that it must be obvious to them that she had been crying. No one commented, however, and she was thankful for that.

JJ and Garcia watched Emily closely all afternoon. Being careful not to hover around her, or be too obvious, they took turns checking up on her, wandering past her desk. Emily knew what they were up to, and was touched by their actions; they cared and were concerned for her. She regretted being so short with JJ at the coffee shop and felt guilty.

Emily could tell that Reid too, was keeping an eye on her. In his quiet, unassuming way, he sat at his desk working, next to hers, not attempting to force her into conversation but observing her carefully. Reid had a way of making her feel comfortable without words and she did find his presence calming. He was the one team member who hadn't demanded answers from her...

Emily was startled from her reverie by her phone ringing. It was Hotch and she hesitated briefly before answering it, reminding herself of the obvious remorse and empathy he had shown to her earlier.

"Emily its Hotch."

"Are you okay? Where are you?"

"I'm at the hospital Emily." He sighed. "You were right. The doctors think it's a drug. My heart rate is erratic and apparently my eyes are hypersensitive to light."

"Did they run tests?"

"Yes, but we won't know till tomorrow. They want to keep me in until they find out what it is.... I'm so sorry Emily."

"Hotch stop it. I'm fine." She snapped at him in frustration. "Let's just wait for the test results. Do you need anything? Where is Jack?"

"Jack is still with Jessica. I just spoke with him. Would you please get Dave to bring me my go bag?"

"It's okay I can get it."

"Emily"

"I can drop it off on my way home."

"Emily no. I don't think you should come here. At least not until were sure what's going on." His voice lowered "It's not a good idea."

"What? You're worried that you will... do something to me?"

Hotch didn't answer and Emily sighed, suddenly feeling completely exhausted. "I'll ask Dave to bring it."

"Thankyou." Said Hotch and disconnected.

***

Emily retrieved Hotch's bag from his office and took it in to Rossi's, dumping it unceremoniously on Dave's desk. Morgan was sitting discussing a case with Dave and they both looked at her quizzically.

"Hotch just called me. He's in the hospital and wants his bag." She indicated the bag on the desk.

"What's up with Hotch?" Morgan demanded. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine; they just want to keep him under observation tonight."

"Did he tell you what's wrong?" Dave inquired, worry etched on his face.

Emily shook her head "They don't really know yet. He just wanted me to ask you to bring the bag."

Taking the bag off the desk, Dave stood and looked for his car keys.

"Are you coming?" he inquired

"No. He Uh..." Emily looked to the officer door, from which Morgan had just left. "He doesn't want me there."

Noticing her discomfort, Rossi was worried. There was definitely something going on with the two of them. The defeated look in her eyes frightened him, it was so unusual for Emily. Her obvious injuries.. Hotch's neck... had her and Hotch been in a fight?

"Emily are you okay? Whats going on? You weren't really mugged were you?"

"I'm fine. Really. I just... can't talk about it right now."

Dave wasn't convinced, he was damn sure he would make Hotch tell him everything that Emily would not.

"Okay then. You know if you're ever up for a chat, I'm here." He patted her shoulder in a fatherly gesture, pretending not to notice as she shrank away from his touch.

***

A/N: Thanks for all the fantastic reviews. I didnt expect such a response! Guess I will continue then :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Unforgiveable – Chapter 3**

Dave Rossi entered the hospital ward hastily, Hotch's go-bag on his shoulder. Although appearing outwardly unruffled, Dave felt rather apprehensive about speaking with Hotch. Emily's demeanour had unnerved him – the devastated look she had given him when Hotch hadn't wanted her at the hospital was completely out of character for her.

It wasn't until speaking with her in his office that Dave had noticed the extent of Emily's injuries, whatever had happened to her was clearly more than a failed bag snatch attempt. Even she must realise that a story like that would never fly with a team full of profilers. Dave and Emily had grown fairly close over the few years that they had worked together. He had supported and consoled her after the death of one of her close friends and she had trusted and confided in him. Their friendship had developed into a relaxed father/daughter type understanding of each other and Dave felt a little hurt by Emily's refusal to confide in him in this case. What could be so terrible that she was unwilling to share it with him?

Hotch's behaviour this morning was also disturbing, Dave thought. Dave had only seen him for a few minutes but his obvious reluctance to meet Dave's eye was troubling. Hotch had told him that the fresh scratches on his neck were self inflicted – Dave could accept that. Nightmares were common and although Hotch had never confided in him Dave suspected that he had had his share. Even so, since Foyet's attack Dave had seen Hotch hurt, scared, angry and grieving, but never once had he seen him as reticent as this morning. Did his scratches have something to do with Emily? Had he chased her attacker and failed to apprehend him? Or was it something else?

Dave was both pleased and relieved to find Hotch sitting up in bed, looking relatively healthy and uninjured. He plopped the bag onto the floor next to Hotch's bed.

"Dave" Hotch said by way of greeting. "Thanks for coming in."

"So... Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Hotch was silent, staring blankly at the ceiling above his bed.

"Why are they keeping you here?" Dave persisted.

"My heart rate is erratic and apparently my liver is not functioning well at the moment. They just want to keep me in... probably overnight, as a precaution, until some test results come back."

"So are you going to be okay?" Dave was worried "What are they testing you for?"

Hotch was silent for a long moment. Shifting his eyes back to the ceiling he inwardly considered how much of yesterday's horrific events he could reveal to Dave. He was yet to come to terms with his brutal actions himself and could not imagine ever being able to confess his crimes to his friend.

"They are running some tox screens.... They think I might have been drugged."

"Drugged? With what?"

"Dave..." Hotch shook his head. "I don't...."

"Does this have something to do with Emily's injuries?" Dave interrupted, staring at Hotch intently.

"What?" demanded Hotch, eyes flashing and fear evident in his voice "Is she okay?"

"She says she is, but I'm not so sure. Why didn't you want her here Hotch? I know that there is something going on... Are you going to tell me or do I have to go and drag it out of Emily."

Hotch sat up. "Please don't Dave. Don't cause her any more distress. "

Dave nodded and raised his eyebrows. "So....."

Hotch looked down at his hands. The ward had suddenly become much warmer, his throat constricted and he struggled to breathe. He shut his eyes for a second, inhaling deeply and desperately trying to get his emotions under control.

"I did something terrible Dave. I don't know..... I just... I hurt Emily and now there is nothing... nothing I can do to help her and...." Hotch was breaking down and his voice trailed off.

"What do you mean you hurt her? What the hell did you do?"

Dave's tone was rising and he surveyed the ward, expecting a nurse to reprimand him.

Hotch finally forced himself to answer, hating the words as he spoke them out loud "I raped her Dave. I don't know what came over me." Putting his face in his hands Hotch continued "She has always been there for me, always supported me.. and now I've done something to completely destroy her."

"Hotch.."

Hotch felt tears on his face and would normally have been mortified, showing such emotion in front of his friend, but found himself too devastated to care and too fatigued to wipe them away.

"I care for her Dave, more than I am supposed to, I really do. I've come to depend on her so much and now, now I have gone and hurt her in the worst way imaginable. How will she ever trust me again? How will I ever trust myself again?"

"Hotch." Dave persisted.

Hotch shook his head "I hate myself Dave. My actions were abhorrent." His voice became harder "I told her to report me but she refused. You have to talk to her and get her statement."

Dave sighed. His initial fury at Hotch's admission had quickly dissipated. He now felt only pity for the man who had just broken down in front of him, overcome with emotion. Hotch's remorse and self-disgust were undoubtedly profound – it was impossible to stay angry with him in the state he was in.

"Hotch I need to you tell me everything. When did this happen?"

"Dave... I can't". Hotch closed his eyes.

"If you want me to help you, you have to tell me. I need to know if I am going to be able to help Emily too."

"Will you make sure she is okay for me?"

"I'll see her as soon as I leave here. So tell me..."

Dave was silent and unreadable as Hotch haltingly relayed all the ghastly details of the incident to him. Hotch was so overcome he could barely speak, pausing for long painful silences throughout the story. When he reached the part where he discovered her blood on his sheets Dave found himself standing up, clenching his fists involuntarily.

"Did she go to the hospital?" he was worried.

"No. I asked her this morning. I don't think so. She was worried about them asking questions. I couldn't force her...." He winced at the choice of words. "She just kept saying she was fine."

"I'll go and talk to her now."

"Dave... Tell her I'm sorry. I know it sounds like pretty futile thing to say after everything that's happened but I really need her to know."

"She knows... I'll make sure of it." He turned to leave. "Oh and Hotch... Who were you out with?"

"What?" Hotch was confused.

"Who were you drinking with on Saturday night?"

Hotch shrugged. "My brother Shaun and a few of his friends. He said I needed to relax for a while. I can't remember leaving but I don't think I would have stayed late though. I felt a bit out of it with them, like a geriatric." Hotch forced a weak smile.

"You said you can't remember getting home." Dave frowned. "Did you drink much?"

"Dave you know that I never do." Hotch sighed. "You know that my father was an alcoholic. How could you even suggest that?"

"Get some rest. Let me know when you are being released and I'll come and get you."

"Thanks Dave."

Hotch lay back in the bed as Rossi left his room. Although it had been excruciatingly difficult for him to talk about what he had done, he did feel slightly better. The weight that had been pressing on his chest had lifted... albeit just a little. Dave hadn't condemned him, hadn't handcuffed him and dragged him out of bed and surprisingly still acted like he was his friend. If the situation had been reversed and Rossi had done something so appalling to a teammate would he have been so understanding, he wondered?

***

Emily sat in her apartment staring numbly at the TV screen. She felt as though she were surrounded by an impenetrable fog and wasn't even sure what program was being broadcast. If Hotch had hurt her on Sunday then his aloofness on the phone this afternoon had completely shattered her. Why did he not want to see her? Did he blame her somehow for what had happened or did he just consider her now to be damaged and sullied, too sickened to be in her presence anymore....?

The buzzing phone startled her, causing her to drop the TV remote to the floor with a resounding crack. She scamped over and retrieved it.

"Hello."

"Hi Emily its JJ. I was... uh... just seeing if you were okay and if you maybe wanted a chat?"

"Im fine JJ. Just watching TV." Emily sounded despondent, she knew, but no longer had the energy to conceal it.

"Are you sure? You seemed really upset today, really out of it. Garcia thought maybe we should meet up for some girl-talk."

"I'm okay JJ, really. My jaw is hurting a bit and I just want to go to take an aspirin and sleep."

"Oh, okay then. I guess I will see you in the morning." JJ relented.

"Yeah see you then."

Hanging up the phone, Emily was shocked to find it buzzing again almost instantaneously. Cursing she yanked it from the cradle.

"WHAT!" she almost yelled.

"Emily...?" it was Garcia.

"Hi Pen. Before you ask me, I AM FINE!"

There was a shocked silence on the other end of the phone and Emily felt guilty again.

"Sorry, I actually just hung up with JJ."

"Oh...my gumdrop! We're just a bit concerned about you. So... Coming out for a sundae?"

"Pass." said Emily "I'm just about to go off to bed with a good book and an aspirin."

"Oh." Garcia sounded disappointed and a little hurt. "Sleep dreams then. Catch up tomorrow."

"Bye Pen."

Emily disconnected once again and began rummaging in the medicine cabinet for the elusive aspirin. She felt guilty about snapping at her friends, (after all, they were just trying to help), and vowed to be friendlier to them in future. ..

Her friendly intentions disintegrated rapidly, however, when there was a knock at her apartment door.

"What the fuck!" Emily was annoyed. "Why can't they just leave me the hell alone!"

Wrenching the heavy front door open with far more force than necessary, Emily was stunned to see Dave Rossi standing in her hallway. She knew she must look like hell, and wished she'd taken the time to wash her face and compose herself properly. Nothing got past Dave, she knew, and her dishevelled appearance could only raise more questions that she would not answer.

"Dave..?"

"Emily." He waited. "Are you gonna ask me in? Or am I going to have to stand out in the hallway all night?"

"Actually I was just about to go to bed. I'm not feeling the best and I think..."

"Hotch told me what happened." Dave interrupted quietly. "I think we need to talk."

Emily felt her stomach drop, eyes downcast she took a step backwards; folding her arms protectively about her chest, as though it would shield her from the unavoidable interrogation she was about to face. How dare Hotch! Couldn't he have at least had the decency to keep it to himself and spare her further humiliation?

"What?" her eyes were panicked. "What did he tell you?"

"He told me that he had done something terrible. Something that he feels dreadful about but cannot undo... He told me he raped you Emily. Now can I please come inside?"

Emily felt the heat rising to her face, her shame evident in the continued avoidance of his solemn gaze. Nevertheless, she stood back from the door, allowing him entry to her apartment and numbly followed him into the living room. Taking a seat opposite him, she tensed in anticipation of the difficult conversation they were about to have. Speaking of Hotch's attack could only concrete the reality of the situation, making it much too real to bear.

"Emily, Hotch told me what happened on Sunday." He paused. "He's not looking for nor expecting any kind of forgiveness but he wanted you to know that he is incredibly sorry.."

"Is he now?" she shot back, harshly.

"Yes. He's devastated." Dave said succinctly. "Now I've heard his version of events and I was hoping to hear yours."

Emily shook her head. There was no possible way she could relive the events in question without completely breaking down, and losing it in front of a teammate was not something she never did.

"Dave no. I'm sorry... I can't." He voice was small and strained.

"I know it's painful to think about, and even though telling me about what happened will be really difficult... I promise you will feel better afterwards." He smiled, trying to keep his voice encouraging. "After all its just 'ole Uncle Dave' you're talking to."

Emily smiled a little, in spite of her discomfort. After a few breaths she reluctantly began recounting the event in excruciating detail. She was forced to pause several times, when her emotions got too much for her and Dave waited, offering gentle words of encouragement and comfort until she was finished.

Emily hiccupped loudly and blew her nose. Dave was right; she was feeling a tiny bit more like herself.

"So what did Hotch tell you.. I mean... did he see things differently?" Emily worried that she was somehow deserving of this. She knew she cared about Hotch, had admitted it to herself long ago, had she misjudged him somehow? Be careful what you wish for, she thought bitterly.

"His account was pretty much the same. He has no recollection of what occurred between when he answered the door and when you ended up in his bedroom though." Dave said, rather bluntly. "And that troubles me. I've known him for years Emily, and I've never seen any hint of a violent streak. Have you?"

"No I haven't. Never." replied Emily, shaking her head slightly. "I wouldn't have ever imagined this. It goes completely against his nature."

"Absolutely." Dave agreed. "So..." he tilted his head to the side, watching her closely, pleased that she was actually meeting his eyes now. "So I guess the question is... Where do you want to go from here? Are you afraid of him?"

"No." Emily shook her head, surprised at her own declaration. She really wasn't afraid of him, she realized. Emily afraid of Hotch hurting her? A week ago she would have laughed at such a ludicrous suggestion.

"No. I'm not afraid of him. I think I'm more shocked than anything else at the moment."

Dave nodded. "So do you think you will be able to work together? Hotch suggested that he would apply for a transfer, if it would make you feel any better."

Emily sighed. "I'm really confused right now. I don't know what I want Dave... I just can't even think."

"That's okay. Take your time. I think you should maybe take a couple of days off. Think things over. The team _can_ survive without you." He teased.

Emily gasped. "Please don't tell them Dave. I can't..."

"Emily." He raised his hand to stop her. "Your secret is safe with me. I wasn't going to tell them anything other than you were taking a few days off. Nobody would give it a second thought."

Emily nodded. "Thanks Dave, but I would rather work. It takes my mind off things you know."

"If that's what you want." Dave shrugged. "You really should see a Doctor and get checked out though."

"No way." Emily said adamantly. "I'm not injured and I really don'tthink Hotch has any diseases I should worry about – do you?"

Dave smiled.

"I think not." He agreed. "Emily... please understand that this was in no way your fault. You are not to blame and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Try not to beat yourself up over this."

"Dave I..."

"And remember... I'm always around if you need me. If you need to chat don't hesitate to call, whenever. You may not believe me now but _will_ get through this Emily. You will."

Emily nodded, even as she doubted his words. Working with Hotch would be difficult in the least – he was her boss, formerly her friend. Could she recover whilst still seeing him in the office every day? What did she really want?

***


	4. Chapter 4

*****Please read warnings contained in the summary. Read at your own risk!*****

A/N: Okay, so far this story has been pretty grim, and tending towards being a little pathetic and soppy at the end of this chapter. It was hard to keep Emily in character whilst she is feeling so 'damaged' and hard to keep Hotch in character when he is acting so 'out of character'. A little more angst and then I promise things will start looking up.

The references to drugs and their effects in this chapter are probably wrong – don't take them seriously. I am not a toxicologist so was forced to reference them on the internet.

Also thanks for all the fantastic reviews. They keep me going

**Unforgiveable – Chapter 4**

Hotch did not turn up to work on Tuesday morning. After a restless night of disturbed dreams Emily was running late. It was unusual for her to be so disorganised and rushed and she felt out of sorts. Hurrying past her desk she dropped her bag and said a quick good morning to Reid and Morgan who were already working, before continuing on to JJ's office.

Emily knew she had treated her friends dreadfully; after all - they were not to blame for her situation and didn't even know what was going on. She felt guilty and ashamed by her behaviour and had been mentally rehearsing apologies since Rossi's departure the evening before.

Loud voices were emanating from JJ's office and Emily stilled.

"Look. That's only speculation Garcia. I'm not really sure what's going on with her. I think Dave knows something but he wouldn't tell me."

"So he's concerned too?"

"I think..."

"Uh Guys." Emily cut in as JJ and Garcia froze on the spot, casting guilty looks at each other. "You wouldn't be talking about me would you?" Emily's voice was light and she suppressed a smile. The other two looked so uncomfortable, like they were about to be chastised.

"It's okay. I actually came to apologise. I know I've been acting like a spoiled brat and I really am sorry. I didn't mean to be so short with you, I just..... I just really haven't been myself lately." Emily struggled with her emotions, her eyes begging JJ for understanding and forgiveness.

"Em.... This wasn't just a bag snatch was it?" JJ's eyes showed no anger, only concern for her friend.

Emily stared at the floor. "No." She admitted quietly.

"Were you.... raped?"

Emily was silent, still staring at the floor. Finally she nodded.

"Oh Em! Why didn't you tell us?" Garcia was horrified. "You don't have to deal with this alone!"

JJ was less surprised that Garcia and regained her composure faster. "You could have told us Emily."

"I know, I just... I couldn't. It's difficult."

JJ nodded. "I understand. But when you do feel like talking about it, we're here you know. I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but I want to help and talking about these things... it does usually..."

Emily cut her off "I know. And thanks... just not yet."

"You didn't report it did you?" Garcia inquired gently.

"No." Emily replied. "I really don't think there is any point and... You know" she shrugged "It's complicated."

"But Em... you have to, I mean you... you can't let that scumbag get away with it. This is not your fault you know." JJ had tears in her eyes and Emily once found herself wracked with guilt.

"No. It's not." Emily admitted to herself, "But I really don't want anyone to know JJ and I think I really just want to move on and forget it. There is nothing I can do to change what happened."

"You should have told us though" JJ paused, "Just the team. It's important that we know and nobody is going to think..."

"No." Emily was adamant. "Please JJ, don't."

"You did tell Hotch though? Tell me you did."

Emily winced. "He knows... and Rossi. He told Rossi..." she trailed off.

JJ seemed slightly appeased. "That's good. I think Hotch needs to know Em, he cares about you, I'm sure you know that." she stated firmly. "He will support you and if you need to take a break from all this." she gestured at the crammed office with her upturned palms, "I'm sure he will understand."

"I know."

If only they knew – Emily thought, but had no intention of telling them that Hotch was the one who had raped her.

"Where is Dave? I haven't seen him yet?" Emily inquired.

"Oh he left a few minutes ago. Not sure where he went - said he was coming back." Garcia shrugged. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll be fine." Emily assured them, although her expression said otherwise. "I need to do some work."

Emily returned to her desk next to Reid and they worked in silence. A short time later, Rossi arrived and approached Emily's desk.

"Up for a chat?" he raised his eyebrows. Emily nodded and followed him to his office before sitting down.

"I just drove Hotch home. He's fine now, but the test results were worrying."

Emily released the breath that she had realised she was holding. "He's going to be okay?"

"Yes, but..." Dave shook his head "He'd been drugged Emily I don't think what happened was his fault- I don't think he was in control of his actions."

"How? What was it?"

"An extremely high dose of methamphetamines and ecstasy." Dave said gravely. "If truth be told, it could have been much worse. He was lucky not to have suffered seizures."

Emily frowned. "Does he remember...? I mean he wouldn't do something like that voluntarily. How did he get it?"

"We just don't know. All he remembers is being out at a bar with Shaun and his friends. He's going to have a little chat with Shaun this afternoon and I hope for Shaun's sake that he had nothing to do with it."

"So, the Doctors..." Emily voiced the question that she was burning to know. "Did they say what affect these drugs could have on a person's behaviour?"

"Obsessive thinking, memory loss, violent outbursts, irrational behaviour, uncontrollable desires... You name it. Sound like anyone you know?"

Emily nodded. It explained a lot really. It was so much easier to accept what had happened to her knowing Hotch hadn't really been in control of his actions.

"When will he be back?"

"Unless we have a case, not till next week. He's taking a break and you probably should too."

Emily got up from her chair. "I just want to work Dave. Keep busy. I think that's what's best for me now."

***

Meanwhile JJ snaked her way through the bullpen, depositing new case files on each of the teams' desks. Her task complete she returned to her office, hesitating when she reached her office door. She had just realised that the file she had left for Emily was a rape case and a relatively nasty one too. JJ returned to Emily's desk and retrieved the file. Glancing briefly at Morgan and Reid who were busy at their desks she quickly swapped Emily's file with Morgan's and placed it on his desk. Morgan looked up at her questioningly and she turned and hurried back to her office, not wanting her actions questioned. Reid pretended not to notice and returned to his work. He was aware that something was going on with Emily but chose not to ask any questions, she would confide in him when she felt ready.

Morgan's phone buzzed just as Emily was leaving Dave's office. It was Strauss and Morgan was not pleased to hear her voice.

"Agent Prentiss is not answering her phone and neither is Agent Hotchner. Do you know where they would be?" Strauss's tone was belligerent, something clearly had annoyed her.

"Agent Prentiss is right here, Hotchner is..."

"Send her up to me now." Ordered Strauss and hung up the phone.

"Strauss wants to see you Emily." Morgan apologised.

"Wh-What?" Emily stammered. Her feet rooted to the floor. "What does she want?"

"I have no idea, but she sounds seriously pissed."

"Didn't she say?" Emily screeched. She knew her voice was rising dangerously but was unable to control it.

"What's going on?" Rossi stood in the doorway of his office, looking down at them.

"Strauss. What the hell did you say to her?" Emily demanded.

"Nothing. Not a thing." Dave's look was sincere.

Finding her anger misdirected Emily stormed off in search of Garcia and JJ. The rest of the team were left in the bullpen, stunned by the outburst.

"JJ what I told you this morning was PERSONAL. Who the hell did you blab to?"

JJ was shocked. "No one Em. You know I wouldn't."

"Strauss wants to see me. Someone has! Garcia?"

"Seriously Em. Can you imagine Pen phoning Strauss about this? It wasn't her."

Emily knew JJ was telling the truth. The idea of Garcia and Strauss gossiping about her was pretty farfetched. She calmed down a little.

"Perhaps Hotch said something?" JJ voiced her thoughts. "He may be obligated to tell her when something like this is reported to him."

"No. He wouldn't." Emily was adamant. "He wouldn't do that."

"Then maybe it's something else entirely. "

"Could be." Emily was hopeful and slightly appeased. "Guess I'd better go and face her then."

"I'll walk with you. " JJ got up from her desk.

"No JJ. If you start acting like my bodyguard the guys will know something is going on."

"Em you just had a meltdown in the middle of the office." JJ gestured towards the bullpen. "And you came in yesterday all black and blue. I think they have probably already worked it out. You can't hide much from them..."

Emily nodded. JJ was right – the others likely did already know, and surprisingly it didn't really bother her. There were certain details however; she would never share with them. Hotch's involvement was one of them. Under no circumstances could they ever learn that her attacker was actually someone they all trusted.

"Come on." JJ interrupted Emily's thoughts. "You'd better not keep her waiting."

***

Emily stood awkwardly at Strauss's door, waiting to be invited in.

"Agent Prentiss. Glad you could make it." Strauss was sarcastic. "Please have a seat."

Emily sat nervously, trying to hide her anxiety from the superior she detested. Strauss sat opposite and placed a file on the desk in front of her. Emily glanced at the file, panic stricken – had Hotch actually made a report?

"This file came across my desk yesterday – remember it?"

Emily took the file with shaking hands. It was one of the few she completed yesterday, she noted. A BAU file, nothing to do with her or Hotch. She opened the file and scanned the contents.

"I suggest that you look at the summary report."

"Ma'am?" Emily was confused.

"Agent Prentiss..." she stopped abruptly, noticing Emily's bruise for the first time. "What happened to your neck?"

"I got mugged on Sunday. Uh. He tried to take my handbag." Emily was thankful that she remembered to wear a turtleneck that morning, and the bite mark was hidden.

"Did you report it Emily? Are you okay?" Strauss's voice conveyed only concern and Emily was surprised. Did this woman actually have a heart?

"I'm fine, really, just a little bruised. No I didn't make a report. There was no point..." she picked up the file again.

"You should have reported it."

Emily shrugged uncomfortably. It felt like Strauss was reading her mind and she didn't like the implications. She tugged at the sleeves of her jumper in an unconscious attempt to cover the marks on her wrists. Strauss noticed but did not comment, unnerved by the normally feisty Agent's dejected demeanour.

"Uh. I'd really prefer not to talk about it right now. I just want to move on... and forget."

"I understand." Strauss was sympathetic. She lowered her voice conspiratorially "There are people you can talk to Emily. You never have to put up with abuse in a relationship."

Emily fought the bizarre urge to giggle. Strauss was fully convinced she had a violent boyfriend.

"... and you know that no matter how many times he apologises, it won't stop."

Emily nodded. Strauss had conveniently jumped to the wrong conclusion and she was grateful for it.

"Uh. Thanks. I will think about it." She gestured to the file. It had the wrong summary report in the back. "This has obviously been mixed up with another case."

"Yes I can see that. I was going to reprimand you for making such a careless mistake, but I can see now that you had other things on your mind. Agent Hotchner checked the file, he should have noticed. It's him who should really be responsible for this error, not you. I understand he is off sick today?"

"Yes." Emily replied mechanically.

"I will speak with him when he gets back."

"Okay. Thank you." Emily rose, anxious to leave the office.

"My door is always open Emily. Think about what I have said."

"Yes Ma'am."

***

Hotch did not return to work for the rest of the week and Emily wondered on the outcome of his conversation with Shaun. She hadn't spoken to Hotch since Monday morning and it was now Friday afternoon. Things at work had basically returned to normal, aside of Hotch's absence, and Emily was back to working at her usual pace. The team had been tiptoeing around her, afraid of another outburst but had not questioned her about it.

Emily was hurt and confused that Hotch had not contacted her. He obviously considered her dirty and was probably disgusted by her. She felt herself partially to blame for her situation. Was it her latent feelings for Hotch that had somehow set events in motion on Sunday? Did she unconsciously lead him on? Emily was desperate to see him and yet terrified at the same time. A confrontation in the middle of the office was the last thing either of them needed, but since he had not contacted her, Emily was too humiliated to speak with him outside of work. She was forced to wait until his return.


	5. Chapter 5

*****Please read warnings contained in the summary. Read at your own risk!*****

A/N: Here we have the *confrontation* that we have all been waiting for! Also a bit of a case and a lot more of the team. Things are starting to move along abit – hope you enjoy.

Once again, thanks for all the great reviews. I've had some wonderful suggestions and you will see that I have taken on a few of them.

Yes – for those of you who asked - I'm H/P shipper, I confess and I'm seeking treatment

**Unforgiveable – Chapter 5**

Emily skipped breakfast on Monday morning, her nerves leaving her feeling slightly nauseated. Rossi had already called to warn her that Hotch was returning to work today, he didn't want it to come as a shock to her, but it did little to allay her anxiety. Emily had no idea what sort of a reception to expect from Hotch. Would he speak to her, be mad at her or just act like nothing had happened? Confused as she was, Emily really had no idea how she wanted him to react. Would she cope with confronting him herself? Or would she get mad and make a scene in front of her teammates, or worse become a blubbering mess...?

Emily was relieved to notice JJ in the car park and hurried to catch up with her. JJ held the elevator doors open for Emily and they ascended to the office together.

JJ had been the perfect friend over the past week, both supporting Emily and ensuring that she didn't drown in her work without pressing her for details. Emily was eternally grateful. Despite her initial reluctance to confide in JJ she had to admit that her friends understanding had helped her stay afloat. Today, however, the butterflies in her stomach made friendly conversation impossible and Emily struggled to pay attention to what JJ was saying.

"Em?"

"Sorry... What?"

"Are you okay? You seem a little uptight this morning? What's up?"

"Uh, nothing. I'm just, you know. Exhausted."

JJ nodded knowingly. "I understand. You look pretty worn out. Why don't you take some time off?"

"I don't..." The elevator doors opened at their destination and Emily froze midsentence. Hotch stood at the doors, waiting for the lift to arrive. She felt trapped, cornered and petrified, unconsciously stepping further back into the lift. There was no where she could hide. Emily did want to see him- she had already admitted that to herself, but was afraid of what his reaction to her might be.

"Morning Hotch, feeling better?" JJ inquired cheerfully.

"Yes much better thank..." Hotch stopped as he noticed Emily cowering in the corner, gaping at him. Her discomfort was obvious and he quickly looked away, pretending to be preoccupied with file in his hands. Just seeing him was clearly upsetting for her and he had no intention of doing anything to prolong her torment.

"We...Uh. We have a case. Tell the others we are meeting in ten minutes." Hotch waited till Emily was clear of the elevator before stepping in. "Strauss wants to see me, shouldn't be long."

As the doors closed their eyes met for a fraction of a second. Hotch was stunned by how tearful and panicky Emily's looked. He also noted that she was pale and lacked the sparkle he normally saw in her. The bruise on her jaw was fading but still painfully obvious – a glaring reminder of what he had done.

Emily was left standing unsteadily in the hallway.

"Hey. Earth to Em!" JJ was perplexed by Emily's sudden withdrawal. "What is it Em?"

"Nothing."

"Hey. If you don't feel ready for this case it's okay. I'm sure Hotch will understand."

Emily sighed. "I'm fine JJ. Let's just get on with it."

Hotch joined the rest of the team in the conference room a few minutes later. He suggested rather sternly that they get down to business, putting an end to the idle chit-chat that was taking place. JJ wondered if Strauss had given him a hard time.

The case was like so many others they had investigated, involving the sexual assault and homicide of several teenage girls in a small country town. They discussed the plan of attack much as per usual. Emily was unusually silent, her input conspicuously absent.

***

Rossi watched Emily carefully as they boarded the plane. She had been improving, but now looked a total mess again. He noticed her and Hotch gravitate to opposite ends of the cabin. Glancing at Hotch he followed Emily and sat down beside her.

"How are you holding up?" he whispered quietly.

"He won't even look at me." Emily fought to keep her voice even.

"Emily what happened was not your fault. You are not to blame." He emphasised.

"I've been thinking about that. He told me to leave. He almost shut the door in my face, but I refused to leave him alone and look what happened. How can it not be my fault?"

"You said no right? Tried to push him away?"

Emily nodded.

"And he had sex with you against your will. How can you blame yourself for that? You had no idea he was... was drugged." Dave shrugged. "It's not your fault."

"Do you ever find out how? Was it Shaun?"

"Shaun denied spiking Hotch's drinks but admitted he and his friends were getting high that night. It's unlikely though; that they did it by accident, swapped drinks or something, the dosage was far too high."

"He will be okay now though wont he. No permanent effects?"

"He will be fine. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore."

"I'm not... really. Not afraid I mean." She sighed. "It's just so... awkward."

"It was always going to be wasn't it? You have to give yourself some time to get used to working with each other again."

Their conversation ceased as Hotch called everyone over for a briefing. Each of them were assigned specific duties and Emily's was restricted to victimology. She would be confined to the precinct with JJ and was fuming.

Emily glared at Hotch. He was too sickened by her to even look at her and now he considered her incompetent, unable to perform her duties. How dare he? She stormed back to her seat. Angry as she was she would not let him see how upset he made her. It would only confirm his belief that she was hopeless.

Hotch observed her retreat guiltily. He had assigned her to victimology to appease his own concerns about her fragility, not because he thought she couldn't perform. He felt an intense urge to protect her from any more heartache. The case would be a nasty one and he didn't think she needed it right now.

Hotch knew Emily would be furious with him for cloistering her. Part of him hoped she would yell at him and complain. Anything would be better than seeing her so sullen and demoralized. When she retreated to her seat without challenging him he felt helpless. He knew he would eventually have to talk to her, that was inevitable, but what could he possibly say that could improve the situation?

The flight dragged on monotonously. The team sat in their seats quietly, reading or dozing to the ever-present hum of the aircraft engines. They were woken abruptly with Emily's first shriek. It was a nightmare, and from the way she was trembling – a bad one.

"Get away from me!" she cried, trapped in an internal hell. "Stop it!"

JJ and Rossi got to her first, JJ attempted to wake her whilst Hotch and Dave exchanged worried glances. Hotch knew he was responsible for this but found himself frozen in his seat, horrified and incapable of providing any assistance to her. Dave understood the younger mans reaction but was also plagued by the sudden urge to thump him.

JJ shook Emily's shoulders gently. "Em, It's JJ, C'mon, wake up for me."

"Don't touch me! No, please don't! HOTCH!"

Hotch was mortified. He shut his eyes and then turned to face the window. He'd never felt so useless before. Hotch was desperate to help but knew his presence when she awoke would only lead to her being more frightened and confused. He wondered what the rest of the team were thinking; surely they wondered why she was calling his name while he sat like a piece of furniture, doing nothing. Had they already worked it out? Hotch felt everybody staring at him and stared back uncomfortably.

Dave grasped her hand. "No-no. It's Dave, not Hotch." Dave attempted to de-escalate the situation. "He's right over there. I'll get him if you want."

"No. I'm okay. Sorry." Emily sat up, shamefaced, noticing everyone gaping at her. "Sorry guys. I must have dozed off." She rubbed her eyes and attempted to slow her rapid breathing.

Reid studied her curiously. "Bad one huh?"

"What?"

"The nightmare – you were calling out for Hotch to help and you sounded terrified. Were you dreaming about the case?"

"No. Maybe. I'm not sure." She shook her head. "I really can't remember much. Sorry to wake everyone."

***

After the plane had landed, the team collected their bags and made their way over to the two SUV's which stood waiting for them. JJ, Morgan and Reid took the first and Emily and Rossi proceeded to the second. She stood by the front passenger door with her bag, waiting for Rossi to unlock the vehicle. Unbeknownst to her, Hotch had already taken the keys and he climbed into the driver's seat. Flustered, Emily quickly changed to the backseat casting Rossi a helpless glance. Hotch although deeply hurt, was not surprised by her actions and pretended not to notice.

They travelled in a stony silence. Dave felt that the air inside the SUV was somehow cooler than outside. The sudden gloom enveloping the three of them was contagious, and Dave feared it spreading to the rest of their "once happy" team.

Arriving at the precinct, Emily and JJ immediately got to work interviewing the victims' families and friends. The work was painstaking and emotionally draining. Emily understood that the families just wanted to move on and rehashing all this again was not conducive to that. She felt desperately tired and wanted nothing more to return to her hotel room and crash. There was work to be done though, and lots of it.

Away from Hotch's disconcerting presence Emily was able to conduct herself much as she normally would. She and JJ were getting through it, slowly -still with mountains to go but she felt that they were making progress. The other team members were not so fortunate. Work in the field was slow and fruitless and they prayed for a break that would move the case along a bit.

Each afternoon Hotch gathered the team together to discuss the day's occurrences. Emily dreaded these daily meetings. Her initial anxiety at seeing him had diminished considerably, only to be replaced by bitterness and misery at how he was treating her. Their relationship had improved little over the week that they had been travelling and the rest of the team were understandably worried.

JJ pulled Hotch aside after one of those meetings. She had been sharing a hotel room with Emily, who had been having more nightmares, lots of them, and she felt obliged to report it to the team leader. JJ knew that disclosing her concerns about Emily's nightmares could result in her being sent home and she didn't want it to come to that but saw no other option.

"Hotch." JJ stopped him. "I'm worried about Emily."

Hotch stilled and turned to face her questioningly.

"She's been waking me up with nightmares every night, at least once. I think that she is, you know, reliving... things." She eyed Hotch conspiratorially. "She sounds really frightened and screams out – to you, for help."

Hotch was silent. Unsure of what to say and how much JJ knew.

"I think it might help if you talked to her. It's you that she calls for, she obviously sees you as a protector."

Hotch exhaled quietly. JJ didn't know that he was the cause of Emily's nightly torment.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea right now JJ." He felt the need to explain a little. "It's better that she speaks with you and Garcia. I don't want to badger her too much."

"Are you two... okay?"

Hotch shrugged. "I have no idea. Ask her."

Morgan had also voiced his concerns over Emily's behaviour but the unit chief had brushed him off quickly, stating that he was aware and was dealing with it. To Morgan, it appeared that he was doing everything but. He had noticed Hotch's coldness towards her since the start of the case; they barely even looked at each other anymore. The closeness and warmth between them had evaporated and Morgan thought Hotch was behaving like a total jerk. He vowed to corner Emily when the chance arose and make her tell him what was going on.

***

Four days later the long awaited break in the case had still not eventuated. The team was getting impatient and restless, tension taking its toll. They retired to the precinct to decide on a new plan of attack – their current methods failing.

Emily sat at a desk nearby part way through an interview with a local detective. The detective had recently retired and it had taken them some time to get in touch with him. He had just confessed to speaking with one of the victims in the street days before her murder. JJ could tell that Emily was becoming agitated, and knew exactly why, but felt powerless to intervene.

"So she told you she was in danger... She asked for your help and you ignored her?" Emily was furious.

"She told me that she thought she was being stalked." His voice became more aggressive. "She was high at the time, drugs do that to you – make you paranoid. Make you imagine things. Nobody would have taken her seriously."

"Well maybe if somebody had then she wouldn't be dead now would she?" Emily said icily.

"Now listen here." His voice had risen to a shout, Emily matched it with hers.

"No. This is your fault detective. If you had done your goddamn job properly her murder could have been prevented, she could still be here now and we wouldn't have a whole lot of other dead girls..."

"What the hell is going on?" Hotch threw open the door to the conference room and glowered at her. Hotch looked outraged. The other team members peered out behind him, shocked by the scene she was creating although their faces bore looks only of concern.

Emily glared back at him, eyes blazing. "If it wasn't for his... his incompetence," she gestured to the detective, "her life could have been saved."

"Enough!" Hotch roared. "Prentiss, take a walk. I will speak to you _outside, _when you have calmed down."

"No!"

"No?" He stepped much closer to her, lowering his voice considerably. "We are here to do a job Prentiss." He spat. "I don't care how you feel about me, I am still your unit chief and you _will_ follow my orders!" Hotch turned to Morgan who had heard the entire exchange between them and stood wide eyed and motionless, staring at the two of them.

"Please take Prentiss back to the hotel."

"But..."

"Emily." Morgan intervened quietly. "Come on." He nodded towards the doorway.

"FINE" Emily threw her hands up signalling defeat and stared at Hotch defiantly. "You take me then!"

Hotch threw a questioning glance at Rossi, who nodded slightly.

"Okay. Ah... The rest of you continue with the geographical profile. I won't be long."

"Take your time Hotch." Dave suggested firmly. He glanced towards Emily so Hotch understood. "Take your time. This case is not going anywhere."

Hotch nodded grimly. He was going to have to talk to her, couldn't avoid it any longer, Emily had made certain of that. He had wanted to speak with her so desperately for nearly two weeks now, since they left Quantico and hadn't found the courage or opportunity; now, she was giving him this chance. Emily was so angry and emotional at the moment, however, that Hotch doubted anything would be resolved. A yelling match was better than nothing he decided, better to let her express her feelings and scream how much she hated him than continue putting up with her cold silence.

Emily slammed the car door as they got in. They sat in silence as Hotch drove off. Hotch was clenching his jaw in frustration and Emily was conscious of the fact that she had been way out of line.

"Sorry." She said quietly, almost inaudibly. "I was out of line, I know. Please don't yell."

Hotch was taken aback by how timid she looked, so far removed from the Emily he used to know. He had no intention of reprimanding her; he was instead expecting and strangely hoping for a verbal assault from her. Her words bewildered him and he pulled the car over at the kerb, suddenly comprehending that he had no idea what he was going to say.

"Emily. You don't have to apologise to me. I'm the one who caused this mess." He paused. "Emily look at me. Please."

She bit her lip and turned to face him. Forcing herself to meet his dark eyes. Their look said volumes.

"I'm sorry. Sorry I yelled at you back there. Sorry I hurt you. This is all my fault." He looked at her pleadingly and she burst into tears. "Oh Em. You're really not coping with this at all well are you?"

"Are you? You won't even look at me, let alone speak to me. How am I supposed to feel?"

"I thought it was best to give you some distance." He was confused. "I didn't want to remind you of it, make it any worse for you. I could tell you didn't want me around, I made you nervous..."

"So you ignored me, wrote me off like I was no longer any use to you. Acted like I didn't exist."

Hotch sighed. "What do you want from me Emily? I don't know how to act around you anymore."

"I want. I want things to be like they were before. I want... I _miss_ you Hotch." Her voice trailed off.

"You what?"

"I miss you. I miss your friendship and... and what we had before. It's lonely without you."

"I miss you to." He admitted quietly. "I miss you a whole hell of a lot and I'm so sorry I have destroyed what we had. I can't imagine how you must feel. I hate myself Em and if I could go back and change what happened I would. I don't think I am fit to be your friend anymore."

"Oh for god's sake Hotch. Get over it!" Her voice was becoming stronger and more self assured. "It happened, it's over, we move on! Stop acting like a smacked puppy. You're drowning yourself in self loathing and it doesn't suit you. It's pathetic. I'm okay, I'm surviving. _We_ will heal."

Silence hung between them but it was not the cold uncomfortable type they had felt earlier.

"Jack misses you." Hotch spoke finally.

"I miss him too. It's been too long."

"I bought him a hamster, he's been dying to show you."

Emily stifled a giggle, imagining Hotch buying as hamster.

"When we get home, when the case is over... would you like to come over?" He waited for her reply anxiously "It would make Jack, both of us, happy to see you."

"That would be great." Emily smiled. She felt like the sun was rising again and it was the first genuine smile she had displayed in weeks.

Her smile was infective and Hotch found himself grinning back. An incredible weight had just been lifted from his shoulders.

"So. Which is it to be? Precinct or hotel? You're choice."

"Precinct." Emily answered firmly. "I think we both should be getting back to work."

Hotch turned the car around and drove back to the police station. After switching off the ignition he paused, taking Emily's hand tentatively.

"Thankyou. Thankyou for..." he groped for the right word. "Everything."

Hotch was encouraged by the fact that she didn't try and pull away from him and enveloped her in a friendly hug as they walked to the entrance. He didn't care if anyone saw them, they were just two colleagues supporting each other during a tough case... weren't they?

Inside the station the team observed their interaction through the window. JJ got up to meet them whilst the others cheered quietly. Whatever had been going on with Emily, it seemed that Hotch had finally sorted it out. About friggin time, Dave thought.

JJ met Hotch in the hallway, alone.

"Hey. Where's Emily?"

"In the bathroom. She went to wash her face."

JJ understood. Emily did not want the rest of the team to know that she had been crying.

"Is she okay?"

"Not really, but she will be." He hesitated. "Yes I think now... I think she's going to be fine."

Hotch headed for the conference room and JJ smiled as Emily appeared beside her.

"Feeling better?"

"Much better." Emily smiled. "I think everything is finally going to be okay."

"Great. It's great to have you back." JJ grinned. "Didn't I tell you that talking with Hotch would help?"

"You did and it did. Now can we just get back to work."

JJ was delighted to see that her friend had 'returned' and was once again eager to work. She would have to congratulate Hotch later – whatever he had said clearly made all the difference.

***


	6. Chapter 6

A/N:

Hope there are still some people out there still interested in this. Reviews have slowed

I wrote a chapter yesterday then realised I had forgotten something. So I've just redone it. Hope you enjoy.

The stuff in this chapter may seem a little predictable. Rest assured – there are some twists in the chapters to follow.

**Unforgiveable – Chapter 6**

After two weeks of hard work the team had finally caught their unsub and were heading home at last. Spirits were high as they boarded the plane, each privately planning and anticipating the break they would enjoy when they got back. Emily was happy but exhausted and took a seat alone, in the back of the plane, hoping to catch up on some rest during the long flight.

A short time after takeoff Emily felt her seat shift and looked up to find Hotch climbing into the empty seat next to her.

"Want company?"

"Yeah, but I don't think I will be conscious for long so don't expect to be enthralled by witty conversation."

He grinned. "Tired huh? It was a pretty long case."

"Mmm. Exhausted." Emily replied. "But it was a happy ending – kind of makes it all worth it, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it does." Hotch nodded in agreement. Since she had raised the topic he decided to question her further.

"Have you been sleeping okay Em? JJ told me you were having nightmares and I've been worried." Hotch didn't want to push the issue, knew she probably didn't want to talk about it, but was anxious to know if she was still having nightmares involving him.

"I've had a few." She admitted quietly. "Not since last weekend, since..."

"Since we had our chat?" he supplied helpfully.

"Yeah. It's been better since then. I'm still tired though. It you know- catches up with you."

"I understand. I really wish I had spoken to you sooner." His voice was soft, almost a whisper. "I was a coward and I just couldn't find the words."

"Hotch lost for words?? That would have to be a first."

"It happens sometimes." He smiled. "Get some sleep."

"You too."

Emily curled up in her seat beside his, feeling surprisingly relaxed. Her best friend had returned to her and things were starting to fall into place again.

Hotch watched Emily sleep smiling slightly. He felt somewhat in awe of her. She was amazing and beautiful and so resilient, so courageous, far stronger emotionally than he would ever have imagined. After everything that he had done she was still loyal, still trusted him and still wanted his friendship. She had let him hug her, outside the precinct and didn't try to pull away; it all left him dumbfounded. How could she even bear him sitting next to her? She was certainly one in a million.

***

The lights in the plane were switched on again in preparation for landing. Morgan awoke first and nudged Reid who was still snoring peacefully in the next seat.

"Hey." He whispered. "Will ya look at that?"

Reid peered in the direction Morgan was pointing. His eyes were foggy and he blinked several times. Hotch and Emily were still sound asleep, her head resting lightly on his shoulder, their elbows touching.

"No way." Reid exclaimed. "They look so...cosy. I don't think I've ever actually seen Hotch sleep before."

"Me neither. Hey, does your phone have a camera?"

"Guys." JJ warned. "Zip it!" She had just noticed that their Team Leader was now stirring.

Hotch was astonished to awake to three sets of eyes ogling him. What was so funny?

He looked down to discover Emily asleep half in his lap.

"Must have dozed off." He stammered quickly.

"Both of you." Dave smiled mischievously.

Hotch was unsure if he should wake Emily or not. Would it startle her to find him sitting so close? He threw a helpless glance at JJ, hoping for some assistance, he couldn't exactly get up from the seat with her half lying on him.

Hotch patted her shoulder awkwardly. "Prentiss. Emily. Time to wake up."

"Wha..?" She sat up, disoriented in the sudden bright light.

"They're getting ready to land."

"Oh." Emily looked up at Hotch, confused. JJ giggled.

"Sorry." She muttered, and returned to her own headrest, her cheeks flaming.

"No problem Prentiss." He replied in his usual slightly stern "section chief" voice.

Emily could tell Hotch was embarrassed to be caught in such an unprofessional position with her; she wondered what the others were thinking and stared out the window wordlessly.

They sat in silence until the plane landed. Hotch wondered whether he should remind her of his invitation for Saturday evening.

"So... Are you still up for dinner with me and Jack on Saturday? If you don't want to I understand, it's not a problem."

"Count me in."

"Great. Um... Is my place okay? I mean, would you rather we met at a restaurant or something."

"It's fine."

"You're sure... You're okay with being there...again?"

Hotch was suggesting that she might feel insecure being inside his apartment again, she realised. The thought had actually not occurred to her before and she wasn't sure how she would react, being back in his domain, where it happened.

"Yes. I still need to meet the hamster don't I?"

Hotch smiled. "Jack would love that. See you at six then?"

"Six it is."

***

Emily stood outside Hotch's door at precisely 6 o' clock. She raised her hand to knock, but then stopped feeling suddenly nervous. This is silly, she thought. What am I nervous about? Hotch had been the perfect gentleman since the 'incident', she had nothing to be afraid of, he was his normal self again.

Emily could hear Jack inside the apartment, chuckling at something on the tv. She smiled and knocked on the door loudly.

Jack threw open the door only seconds later. "Emily!" He cried. "Daaaad. Em'lee's here".

"Coming." Emily heard Hotch answer and seconds later he joined them at the front door.

"Hey." Emily greeted him shyly.

"Hi Em. I was wondering if you were going to change your mind."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

Hotch stepped back from the door and Emily stepped inside, surveying her surroundings. It all looked the same as the last time she had been there- nothing had changed but everything had. Emily took a deep breath to calm her nerves. The room smelled slightly of carpet shampoo, as it had on her last visit. She found the odour distracting – it bought back memories that she wished to never revisit. Emily had always been good at compartmentalizing things, and this was another painful memory to be buried forever, she decided.

"You okay?" He tilted his head to the side a little, eyeing her carefully.

It was such a Hotch-like gesture, Emily found herself smirking at him.

"I'm fine Hotch. Really. Just let it go..."

"Are you sure? We can go out or something?"

"No." She shook her head. "This is fine."

Much later, Jack was fast asleep in bed and they both sat down to watch a movie.

Emily had enjoyed the evening immensely. The two Hotchners had proven great company, and even Sam the hamster had elicited his share of laughs from her. As the movie was starting Hotch reached out and grasped Emily's wrist, lightly caressing the now fading bruises that encircled it. Emily flinched and Hotch withdrew his hand quickly.

"Does it still hurt?" His eyes were dark and intense. "I apologise."

"Not really... just a reflex I think. I didn't mean it. Sorry."

"Don't apologise." He was silent for a moment. "Emily, you have nothing to fear from me." Even as he said it Hotch felt as though his words were hollow, his actions toward her had already proven otherwise.

"I know that." She looked affronted. "It was a gut reaction that's all. It wasn't intentional."

"But..."

"Look let's just watch the movie ok."

***

Monday morning saw Emily and Dave on a pre-dawn road trip. Hotch had sent them out to do a custodial interview on a female inmate and it was a long journey. Hotch was feeling guilty for confining Emily to the precinct for the last case and was eager to make it up to her.

Her phone buzzed as a text was received. It was from Hotch. Emily smiled and opened it quickly.

"Em, Sorry about Saturday, I didn't mean anything by it. I hope you had a good time. Jack and I did. Hotch."

She responded. "Had a fantastic time. Hope to do it again, soon. Loved the company- Sam was great." She grinned mischievously. Let Hotch think his company had been upstaged by a hamster!

Dave noticed her sudden animated look.

"Hotch was it?" He teased.

"How did you know?" Emily uttered, amazed.

"Just a guess." He shrugged. "You looked happy. I take it you two have been sorting things out?"

"We have. I'm feeling a lot better and I think Hotch is too."

"Good. Have you talked about it at all?"

"No. I'd rather just forget and move on, Hotch feels the same."

"Fair enough. Even after what happened, I think you two are good for each other. You seem to understand each other well."

"Yeah I guess we do."

Emily pondered her evening with Hotch and Jack. She had indeed enjoyed Hotch's company and worried that her reaction to him touching her may have ruined their newfound camaraderie. Emily regretted having flinched like that; she knew it must have upset him and didn't really understand why she had reacted like that.

"You've done custodials before haven't you?"

"Yeah. Once." Emily did not even want to think about that time. Her recollections of the interview with the 'fox' were enough to make her feel physically ill.

"Arnold. The 'fox' right?"

"Right." Emily's tone was apprehensive. Dave could tell she was still troubled by the experience and chose not to pursue the subject further.

"Interviews with female prisoners are usually..."

"Dave." She cut him off. "Pull over."

Rossi could see from the expression on her face that she serious. He hastily pulled the car to the side of the road and came to an abrupt stop. Emily hurriedly threw the door open and jumped out, looking suddenly ill.

"Emily?"

Emily gasped and retched in the gutter. Her stomach was roiling and she felt shaky and cold.

"Em?"

Dave walked around the car and took Emily's arm, sitting her down carefully on the kerb. She sat with her head in her hands, breathing deeply.

"Sorry. I just felt... really queasy."

"It's okay. Just rest there for a minute and I'll get you some water."

Dave returned and handed her a bottle of water. She took a few tentative sips. The nausea was starting to abate.

"Feeling better?"

"A little." She smiled wearily and moved to stand.

"No. Just sit there a minute. What brought it on Emily? Was it because I mentioned the 'fox'?"

"I dunno. Maybe."

"Are you sure you're okay with doing this interview?"

"I'm fine Dave. Just don't mention him again please."

"Understood."

***

The interview had gone fairly smoothly Emily thought. The prisoner had been co-operative and eager to speak with them. Nothing at all like Karl Arnold, she reflected. She and Dave had commenced the long drive home, stopping for gas at a roadside station. Dave filled the car whilst she purchased coffee and snacks to keep them alert for the drive.

Emily returned to the car and handed Dave a Styrofoam cup of coffee. The air was turning cold and a minute trail of steam emanated from the lid. She removed the lid of her cup and blew across the liquid to cool it.

Unexpectedly, Emily found herself hit with another fierce wave of nausea. Dropping the almost full cup at Rossi's feet she made a run for the bathroom, barely making it in time.

Dave was waiting by the car when she stumbled back unsteadily. He handed her another bottle of water.

"I feel like I'm hung-over." She moaned. "Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

A rather alarming thought was forming in Dave's mind and he was unsure of whether or not to voice it. Glancing briefly at her now faintly green features, he decided to bite the bullet.

"Em... Is there any chance that you could be... pregnant?"

"What?" her eyes widened and she stared at him, aghast, as realisation dawned on her.

"Oh my god." She put her hand to her mouth and closed her eyes. "Oh my god. This is not happening."

"Emily." Dave reached out to pat her shoulder and she flicked his hand away irritably.

"No! Don't... this just can't be happening." Emily dissolved into tears.

Dave sat down beside her and put his arm across her shoulders.

"Sshhh. It'll be okay." He tried to comfort her.

"No, it's NOT okay. What the hell am I..."

"Look. Calm down. Try not to panic until you know for certain."

"It's been four weeks Dave. How could I have missed it?"

"You've been stressed out. Let's just wait and see." He raised her chin to face him gently. "It will be okay." He said with emphasis, trying to convince her even whilst he suspected it wasn't.

Emily nodded, accepting the tissue he offered her. She sniffled and took a deep breath.

***

Rossi knew as soon as she arrived the next morning that the news was not good. Her eyes were bleary and bloodshot, her skin unusually pale. He ushered her into his office quickly and shut the door.

"It was positive." She confirmed. "I'm pregnant."

Dave could tell that she was fighting tears again and wished he could say something, anything which would help her, but nothing came to mind.

"What am I going to do Dave?" She threw herself into a chair resignedly. "I have no idea what..." she shook her head, lost for words.

"I think you should firstly talk to Hotch." His voice was quiet.

"No. I don't want to. He's got enough on his mind... It would just upset him again."

"Emily... If the child is his..."

"Of course it's his!" she shrieked. "Who do you think I've..."

Dave raised his hands to stop her. "I didn't mean to imply otherwise. I meant that he should be told about it."

"No. He might be mad. I don't need that right now. Can't deal with it."

"Emily this is not you're fault. You didn't ask for this to happen and had no control over it."

"It IS my fault!" she cried. "Well at least partially. I refused to go to the Doctor and I could have taken something to prevent it." She admitted. "Please don't tell him, not yet."

"It doesn't matter. That still doesn't mean you are to blame." He shook his head gravely. "I'll do whatever you want Emily, keep this a secret if you wish, but I really think you should tell him. He won't get be mad – I'll... I'll get Morgan to thump him if he is." Dave tried a joke to cheer her up. It failed miserably. Would these two ever get a break he wondered?

"Don't tell him." Emily was firm. "I want to get used to the idea myself before anyone else finds out."

"I understand." He paused. "Let me know if you ever need a chat. I'm here."

Dave knew about her previous pregnancy, knew she had aborted a baby once before and felt sure that she would not want to make that decision again. He believed that Hotch would be understanding, would support her, and wished that she would share her secret with him.

From his office window, Hotch observed the exchange with unease. Emily seemed really upset and he had no idea why. Had something happened yesterday – at the prison? He made a mental note to ask Dave later.

Hotch smiled at her as she passed his office and she looked at him uncomfortably before returning the smile. He looked confused. Could she tell him? Or would he be mad and suggest she had a termination? Emily knew that it was her choice but so desperately needed and wanted Hotch's support.

***


	7. Chapter 7

_**Finally another instalment for this fic! Anyone still out there?**_

Unforgiveable – Chapter Seven

Dave kept a close eye on Emily over the following weeks. Although she hadn't been violently ill in his presence since their road trip, he could tell she was still suffering. It seemed that she hadn't shared her secret with anyone else and Dave felt vaguely guilty about hiding it from Hotch. He understood that she was still worried about his reaction but wished she would just give him a chance. It _was_ his child after all, surely that would help him accept the situation.

Dave cornered Emily in the hallway one afternoon, anxious for a chat.

"Hey." He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "How are you feeling? Has the nausea passed yet?"

"No Dave." She smiled hesitantly. "I'm only 8 weeks. I read that it takes three months before you get over it."

"Really." Dave raised his eyebrows. "I thought when JJ was pregnant... Have you told JJ?"

"No." Emily shook her head. "She doesn't know. No one does."

"Why not?" Rossi studied her, concerned. "What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm keeping it Dave. I want this baby and I've decided I am going to do it with or without Hotch's support."

"Good for you. I think that's the best decision you could have made. So why not tell him?"

Emily was silent for a moment. "He might try to talk me out of it. I'm really just getting used to the idea of being a mother myself." She shrugged. "Even though our baby is probably only the size of a bean I already feel attached to it. I don't want that ruined." She patted her stomach nervously.

"Fair enough." Dave smiled at her protective gesture. "You shouldn't have to deal with all this on your own though. Don't underestimate Hotch – I think he cares about you a lot, far more than he lets on. "

Emily bit her lip. Could that be true?

"I will tell him, just not yet. I need a few more days to – to work out what I am going to say. Maybe I'll try it out on JJ first... Not quite the same though."

"Okay. Good luck. I'm sure everything will work itself out."

"I really hope so Dave. I really do."

Emily had been coping fairly well at work. Always the professional, she was not going to let a little nausea stop her from performing her duties. By outward appearances she had completely recovered from her 'mugging'- her bruises had disappeared and other than being overtired, she was back to normal. Reid, however, noticed her growing exhaustion and was worried that she was once again being plagued by nightmares. He decided to question her about it.

"Coffee?" Reid noticed her entering the tea room behind him and grabbed her cup off the shelf.

"Uh. No thanks. I think I'll just stick to 7up at the moment. Thanks."

"Off caffeine? That's not like you? Is everything okay?"

"Fine Reid, I'm just a little thirsty – that's all." Emily no longer felt nauseated by the smell of coffee, but had decided to sacrifice caffeine for the health of her baby.

"How have you been feeling lately?" Reid asked timidly, half expecting her to bite his head off. "You always look so... wrung out."

Emily smiled a little, he was so sweet and caring she almost felt guilty for not sharing her secret with him.

"Are you still having nightmares? On the plane..."

"No. Not anymore." She didn't even want to think about that nightmare and was disgusted with herself for letting the rest of the team see her so emotional. It seemed that Reid had worked out exactly what she had been dreaming about but to her surprise she no longer cared.

"Okay." He grinned at her. "I didn't mean to pry, I was just..."

"It's fine. Really. Thanks for asking."

Hotch was also becoming concerned. Their relationship seemed to have taken a sudden turn for the worse. Since their dinner they had been getting along exceptionally well, but lately she barely spoke to him and seemed to be actively avoiding him. What had gone so wrong? He knew he had no right to demand an answer from her but was too uneasy to let it go on. Venturing out from his office he leaned over the railing and called to her.

"Prentiss. Can I speak to you for a minute?"

"Sir?" She looked ill at ease.

"I'd like a word..."

"Oh." Emily was startled. She stood up abruptly conscious of her nonexistent baby bump. Could he somehow tell? Emily walked past Morgan and Reid's desks self-consciously; she could feel their curious eyes on her back.

Hotch closed the door and sat down at his desk calmly. Emily perched nervously on the seat opposite.

He cleared his throat. "I, Uh... I know I have no right to ask but..."

Emily stiffened involuntarily. He had already guessed.

"You seem a little tense lately. Is it something I've done?"

She relaxed slightly as Hotch studied her intently. His tone was normal but his eyes showed so much emotion, so much care and tenderness. She felt herself reddening under his gaze and attempted to force a laugh.

"No. I'm fine Hotch." She cringed inwardly as she said it. It was so difficult to lie to this man.

"You're sure? You look a little drained. Sleeping okay?"

"Yeah. Reid actually just asked me the same question." She smiled. "No I'm not having nightmares anymore."

"Good." He was relieved and his voice was genuine. "I'm really pleased we have been able to move on from this Emily." He spoke quietly. "It means a lot to me."

Emily swallowed. She had been desperately searching for the right words to say to him, now they froze painfully in her throat. He didn't want this. He had just told her he was ready to move on. She was on her own and it hurt. She gaped at him for a second, unsure of what to say.

"Yeah. Me too." She finally replied, forcing her voice to remain composed as her eyes began to water.

Hotch sat mutely watching her walk from his office. He wished that he had been able to say more, express his feelings better. Emily was the only person who had ever left him feeling tongue tied. He found it alarming and strange. Why did he react that way?

Emily had insisted that she was fine and that they were okay. He was reassured that he apparently hadn't done anything to upset her but nagging doubts still persisted in his mind. Hotch sensed almost intuitively that she was concealing something from him but had no idea what.

A new case had been allocated to the team and the office was in chaos. Everyone scrambled to grab their go bags and files. Hotch hurriedly called Jessica to inform her that he likely would not be home tonight and JJ ushered everyone into the conference room, anxious to get the briefing underway.

"Hotch. Have you seen Emily?" JJ was perplexed. Emily was never late for work.

"No. Not yet." He eyed JJ warily. "Has she phoned?"

"No." JJ shrugged. "I expect she's stuck in traffic. Let's get on with it, she won't be far away."

Hotch called for the team's attention as JJ commenced her presentation. Time was short and the team had a long flight ahead of them. There was no time for small talk.

Hotch looked up as Emily entered and took her seat quickly.

"Sorry I'm late. Wasn't feeling well." She panted, her face ashen.

"Prentiss?" Hotch was alarmed to notice her hands shaking on the table and found himself walking over to crouch next to her chair. "What's wrong?"

"I just woke up feeling ill." She threw a nervous glance at Rossi, feeling self conscious as five pairs of eyes stared at her. "A stomach ache, that's all." She smiled weakly. "I'm fine now...really."

Hotch wanted to question her further but was reluctant to do so in front of the rest of the team. He stood as they began packing up.

"Okay. Let me know if you start to feel worse. If you need to stay back here and sit this one out it's not a problem."

"Thanks Hotch."

JJ cornered Emily as she was leaving the conference room.

"Are you sure you're okay? You really don't look well..."

Emily's eyes flicked to the doorway, ensuring that the others were out of earshot.

"I'm not sure really. I have this pain in my stomach, it's like... like nothing I've ever had before." Emily did not want to alarm JJ, but was becoming increasingly concerned that something was seriously wrong. Could she be having a miscarriage?

"JJ there's something I should tell you." She stared down at her stomach, her left arm curled tightly around her waist. "I'm afraid that..."

"What Em? What's going on?" JJ could see the barely suppressed pain in her friend's eyes and felt her pulse quicken. "What is it?"

"I need to sit down."

JJ grabbed for the nearest chair as Emily swayed unsteadily, eventually collapsing against JJ and the desk. JJ could not support her weight and eased her to the floor.

"HOTCH!" JJ screamed frantically. "Someone call an ambulance! Hotch!"

Morgan was the first to re-enter the room and helped JJ turn her onto her side. Hotch was only seconds behind him.

"She fainted!" JJ cried. "She said she was feeling sick and then just collapsed. I don't know what happened. We need an ambulance."

"Garcia's already on it." Dave responded as Hotch knelt next to her and took her hand.

"Prentiss? Emily...? Can you hear me?" There was a hint of fear in Hotch's normally unemotional voice and Reid and Morgan exchanged panicked glances, they had rarely seen Hotch so unnerved.

He brushed her hair back from her face soothingly and tried again. "Emily...?"

"Check her pulse." Dave directed. "It may be low blood sugar."

Hotch finally regained some sense of control and began barking orders, feeling like he needed to do something, anything but just sit there.

"Reid please go downstairs and wait for the ambulance. Morgan can you find me a blanket?"

Morgan returned almost instantaneously with Garcia who carried a rather violently coloured purple shawl. Garcia stared at the four of them speechlessly, sharing the concern evident in all of their expressions.

"Oh Em!"

"Thanks Garcia." Hotch accepted the shawl and draped it carefully over Emily. He gently pressed his fingers to her neck, checking her pulse again. The others did not fail to notice how much his hand was shaking.

"Emily?" Hotch hugged her shoulders back against him "Em...Please. Please just hang on." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it again. "Don't do this." He whispered to her, oblivious to the stares of his team members.

"Hotch." Dave began uneasily, he felt like this was his fault and was unable to contain his secret any longer. "Hotch I think..."

"Reid's back." Morgan interrupted, standing up. "The medics are here."

"Oh thank god!" Cried Garcia as Reid and the medics rushed into the room.

"What happened?" Demanded the older medic, unravelling a blood pressure cuff.

"She said she had a stomach ache, she woke up with it. Then she just collapsed." JJ sounded close to tears. Rossi took her hand and held her back, giving the medics room to work.

"Any allergies? Diabetic?"

"No- nothing like that." Hotch stammered. "She was fine yesterday."

"Okay. Let's just see..."

"She's pregnant." Dave finally blurted out awkwardly. "Emily's pregnant."


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8 – the truth finally comes out.... Enjoy and please review!**_

**Unforgiveable – Chapter Eight**

"She's pregnant." Dave finally blurted out awkwardly. "Emily's pregnant."

"WHAT?" yelled Morgan, glaring at Dave and the medics in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

Hotch just stared up at Dave open mouthed and silent, shock evident in his face.

"How pregnant?" Inquired the medic. "How far along is she?"

"Eight weeks." Dave held Hotch's horrified gaze unflinchingly, studying his reaction.

Hotch nodded slightly at Dave and swallowed. There was no doubt in his mind anymore. Eight weeks – it had to be his. Hotch felt like the wind had just been knocked out of him and struggled to remain calm. This was his fault... all of it. How could he have missed it? Why hadn't she told him? He felt a trace of anger building and quashed it quickly. He had no right to be angry at her for not telling him, she owed him nothing.

Meanwhile JJ and Garcia exchanged panicked glances as Dave's word sank in. _Eight weeks_. That could only mean...

The medic finished his assessment and faced Hotch gravely.

"We are going to need to transport her immediately. Her pulse is erratic and her oxygen levels are dangerously low. I'm not sure what the cause is..."

"The baby? Is it okay?" Dave demanded.

"I don't know. I doubt that this is pregnancy related but without further testing I don't know."

"I'm coming with you." Hotch stood up quickly. "JJ can you meet us there?"

"Of course." JJ grabbed her car keys and followed them into the elevator. Hotch could barely stand still, holding Emily's hand in one of his he used the other to jab the buttons of the elevator repeatedly. He turned to JJ in frustration.

"Did you know about this?"

"No." JJ answered him quietly. "She didn't tell me." 

Back in the BAU, the four remaining team members stood helplessly watching the elevator doors close. A stunned silence ensued as the shock of Dave's unexpected announcement sank in. Morgan was the first to break the tense silence.

"How could you?" His words were icy and he glared at Rossi. "What the HELL were you thinking?"

"What?" Rossi glared back at him, momentarily confused.

"She's a team member for chrissakes!" Morgan advanced on him, fists clenching. "How could you do this to her?"

"Morgan.." Reid spoke nervously from behind him. "It's not..."

"SHUT up Reid" Morgan yelled, pushing Reid back into his chair. "This is Emily we're talking about."

"Morgan." Dave finally comprehended the cause of his anger. "It's not mine."

"What?"

"Emily's baby is _not_ mine!" Dave's words were firm and definite and Morgan froze, bewildered.

"But...?" Morgan took a step backwards, embarrassed at his outburst but still clenching his fists.

"Derek!" Garcia stepped in between the two profilers timidly. She placed her palms on Derek's chest and pushed him back towards his desk. "Please sit down."

"What is it baby girl?" Morgan noticed the tears in her eyes and the pleading note in her voice. His gaze drifted to a furious Rossi and a stunned looking Reid before returning to her. The expressions of his team members disturbed him, what had he missed?

"Penelope. Please tell me what's going on."

Garcia shook her head, crying openly now and Derek wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. "Pen..?"

"Derek." Garcia took a deep breath and looked up at him, speaking almost fearfully. "You remember when Emily turned up with the bruises and said she'd been m-mugged?"

Morgan nodded at her, perplexed.

"It was exactly eight weeks ago."

Derek sat down on his desk numbly as Garcia's words sank in. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and she watched is expression of anger slowly be replaced by guilt and distress.

"I'm s-sorry Derek. She made me and JJ promise not to tell anyone. I'm so sorry.." Garcia shook her head at him slowly, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm as though trying to awake from a nightmare. He addressed Rossi and Reid.

"Did you both know about this too?"

Morgan was hurt that he appeared to be the only one in the team that Emily had not trusted enough to confide in. Her rejection was like a slap in the face to him and he could not understand it.

Rossi nodded. "Hotch told me."

"No one told me. I just sort of guessed by the way she was acting." Reid interjected, sounding almost proud of himself. "She's never spoken with me about anything."

"How long have you known she was pregnant?"

"Since we did the custodial. She got a little carsick on the way."

"Oh Poor Em." Garcia wept. "This is so horrible! Imagine having a child that... My Poor Em. Why didn't she tell me?"

"Is she going to keep the child?" Reid queried uncertainly.

"Yes. She has decided to keep it. She wanted a bit of time to get used to the idea before she shared it with the rest of you." Rossi shrugged, sounding apologetic. "I really only found out by accident – nobody else knows. I'm sorry – it was never meant to come out this way, but you understand why I had to speak up. I hope Emily will forgive me."

"You did the right thing. They needed to know." Morgan assured him, distraught. "I should never have jumped to conclusions and I apologise. I'm glad that Emily at least confided in one of us, she should never have to go through this alone."

Rossi stared at his watch distractedly. "How long have they been gone? Hotch said he would call."

"Hotch forgot his phone – it's in his office." Garcia stared woefully at his empty desk as thought it might provide her with an update. "Don't worry, JJ promised me to call as soon as she heard something." 

"Hey!" JJ smiled and breathed a sigh of relief as Emily finally opened her eyes. She stared groggily around the room before finally focusing on JJ.

"Hey yourself." Emily blinked, confused. "Hospital?"

"Yeah." JJ moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Her face looked pale and fatigued and Emily could see pronounced redness around her puffy eyes – not a good sign.

"Bad?" Emily asked anxiously. "The baby? JJ what?" Emily was becoming panicked and JJ shook her head, beginning to cry.

"I'm so sorry Em. It was a tubal pregnancy. There was nothing they could do."

Emily stared at her, disbelieving. "You're sure?" She asked in a tiny voice.

"Yes. You've had surgery already. I'm sorry."

Emily felt her world begin to crumble as JJ hugged her and they cried together.

"Is it something I did?"

"No Em, it started that way. Sometimes it just happens. Nothing you did or didn't go could have changed that."

"But..."

"It's okay. You'll get through this Em." JJ patted her shoulder while they embraced. "You're always so strong, so tough. Deciding to keep the baby, after everything that's happened to you – I could never be as brave as you are. It's such a courageous decision, I'm so proud of you."

"I wanted it JJ." Emily cried noisily, desperately wishing she had the nerve to explain who the father was and why she could never abort his child. "I so wanted this baby."

"I understand. Why didn't you tell me though... you could have died!"

"I was worried you would try to talk me out of it." Emily was ashamed. "Dave told you right?"

"Yeah. The others know too now. We've all been so worried about you!"

"Oh." Emily looked down at her now not-pregnant stomach dejectedly before noticing Hotch's jacket sitting on the empty chair next to her bed. Just seeing his jacket gave made her heart begin to race and she felt a fresh wave of grief hit her. JJ followed her gaze and glanced at the chair.

"Hotch went to make some phone calls to the team. He'll be back shortly."

"But... the case? Isn't he going? Aren't you?"

"Em." JJ smiled weakly. "It was two days ago. The team are already on their way back. Jordan Todd met up with them in New York, she's been filling in for me."

"What?" Emily was puzzled. "Hotch didn't go on the case? He stayed here... with me?"

"Hotch has barely left your side in two days." JJ grinned, somewhat mischeviously, then sobered. "He's been really worried about you. I don't think I've ever seen him look so emotional before. You really rattled him Em... all of us."

"Oh." She stared up at the ceiling sadly. "Is he mad with me?" Although she knew it was irrational, Emily couldn't help being afraid that Hotch would be annoyed with her for causing such a ruckus in the office, or worse still, hate her for not telling him about the baby.

"Who?" JJ asked stupidly.

"Hotch."

"Why would you think that? Of course he's not angry with you! He's actually been really sweet Em, he held your hand the whole time the medics were treating you and was utterly devastated when they told him about..." JJ swallowed. "About the baby. It I hadn't known better Em, I would have thought it was his." JJ giggled warily at her ludicrous insinuation.

"It is his..." Emily blurted involuntarily.

"What?"

"_Was_ his I mean. It was Hotch's baby JJ." Emily found her throat constricting again. She struggled not to cry, eventually giving in and letting the tears fall.

"Hotch? You and HOTCH? But...I thought that... you said you were...?"

Emily was unable to meet JJ's concerned stare and fingered the now-invisible bite mark on her neck absently. The unconscious gesture was not lost on the younger agent.

"It's a long story JJ."

"But... Jesus Em! _Hotch_ did this to you?" JJ's eyes widened.

"JJ!" Emily raised a hand in warning. "Don't!"

"What the hell? _Hotch_?" JJ gaped at her like a fish. "_Hotch_... attacked you?"

"It's not that simple JJ. It was... well...He didn't really hurt me."

"I _saw_ the bruises Em. I would never have thought..." JJ looked disgusted. "No way. I just can't imagine Hotch doing something like that. It's just not... well you know... Hotch."

"It wasn't his fault JJ, well not entirely. Some of Shaun's friends drugged him, he wasn't really in control of his actions. "Emily sighed. "It's such a complicated situation. We were both victims really."

"Yeah but you fell pregnant. Why didn't you tell him? Oh my god I can't believe you were carrying Hotch's baby!"

"Neither can I really. It's so weird JJ. I wanted to hate him, I really did. I just... He's been so caring and I _can't_ hate him. It's _Hotch_ you know. He's just not like that."

"But how can you forgive him for something so... so unforgiveable? How can you still work with him?" JJ was mortified.

"It was weird at first. I avoided him, didn't know what to expect. I mean I wasn't really afraid of him; I just couldn't _look _at him, couldn't bear to be around him. It was so... hard. But then on the case, we talked after he ordered me out of the precinct and..." Emily swallowed. "I realised how much I missed him, and we talked things over and we... I guess we just got past it all. He's been really caring and thoughtful ever since."

"You didn't tell him about the baby though?'

"I couldn't. I only told Dave. Hotch feels bad enough about it all already. I didn't want him to try and talk me out of it. I wanted this baby JJ. No matter how it was conceived."

"You wanted it because it was Hotch's?"

"Yes..." Emily almost whispered. "Even after everything that's happened I still want... I still _care_ about him JJ. I think I love him." She rubbed her hands over her eyes and down her tear streaked face. "Is there something wrong with me JJ?"

"No Em. I've seen the way you two look at each other." JJ patted Emily's hand. "There's nothing wrong with you. I always hoped you two would end up together. This was just... not Hotch. You know what I mean. He's not a violent man. He cares about you too."

"But our child..."

"Would have been adored by both its parents. Hotch was shattered when he heard you lost the baby. I've never seen him look like that before. It all makes sense now. Hotch's loves you too. He's just not sure... I think he doesn't really know where he stands anymore."

"He's my boss JJ. I want to hate him but I love him and he's my boss and I was pregnant with his baby... How did I let things get so screwed up?"


	9. Chapter 9

Mainly just a fill-in chapter. Probably two more left to go .

**Unforgiveable – Chapter 9**

"He's my boss JJ. I want to hate him but I love him and he's my boss and I was pregnant with his baby... How did I let things get so screwed up?"

JJ's head snapped up as she noticed Hotch approaching the doorway. How much of their conversation could he have heard? Emily was fidgeting with her sheet again, carefully avoiding facing Hotch and JJ could see the tension in her movements.

"I think I need a coffee." She stood up quickly. "You two need to talk."

"JJ!" Emily whined at her retreating figure. How could her friend just walk away and leave her to face such an awkward conversation with him alone?

Hotch cleared his throat uneasily. "Can I come in?"

Emily nodded numbly and he took his place in the chair next to her bed. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence Hotch finally spoke.

"I wanted to be here when you woke up. I'm sorry. Dave keeps calling me for updates."

"JJ said you'd been here for two days...?"

"Yes. You gave me quite a scare. How do you feel?" Hotch cursed himself inwardly for the trivial nature of his words. He may as well have been talking to her about the weather. Emily left him feeling tongue-tied and utterly unable to express himself freely. It was not a feeling he was accustomed to.

"Are you mad at me?" Emily's voice was timid and she staring at the ceiling again.

"No. Why would I be?"

"Because I lost the baby."

"I'm hurt that you felt you couldn't tell me... But I'm certainly not angry. How could I be?"

Emily was still staring at the ceiling and Hotch resisted the urge to shake her. He _was_ angry – but for different reasons. He wanted to scream and yell – tell her how scared he had been of losing her, demand an explanation from her for hiding it and a promise never to do anything like that again but he had no right. He locked the over-protective feelings down deep inside and remained composed. The last thing he wanted was to give her the impression he was mad at her for something no one could control.

Hotch took one of Emily's hands and squeezed it lightly, imploring her to look at him, which she finally did.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't. I just... I didn't want you to try and talk me out of keeping it." She pulled her hand away from his. "I know its deceitful... I'm sorry. It should have been your decision too but I really wanted this baby..."

"And you thought I wouldn't? How could you even think that Emily?" He grabbed her hand again, firmer this time. "I would have adored your child... _our _child-nothing could have made me happier... when the doctor told me we had lost it I was..." He swallowed, shaking his head and trying to keep his voice level.

"...but the truth is when Dave blurted to the medics that you were pregnant it was only you I was worried about. You were unconscious and bleeding internally, I was terrified I was going to lose you and the baby was the last thing on my mind." He tilted his head to the side slightly and stared at her intently. "It's you Em, that I care about first... It's always been you. I think I've been in a quiet denial for some time now. I've been trying to ignore my feelings and now... Now look at all the trouble it's caused."

Hotch squeezed her hand and Emily could feel a tremor running through his fingers, Hotch was shaking, Hotch who never let himself get worked up about anything was actually shaking!

"Dave tried to convince me to tell you. Don't be angry at him Hotch. He only found out by accident and I made him promise not to say anything. He was only trying to protect me- it was never meant to come out like that."

"I know." Hotch attempted a smile. "I can understand why he did it and I'm not mad. Dave's been dodging blows from every direction lately. He's gone out of his way to support you... well -both of us and almost ended up copping a thumping from Morgan. This has been hard on him too."

"Morgan was going to thump him?" Emily's eyes widened. "Why? What did I miss?"

"After Dave informed the medics you were pregnant Morgan accused him of being the father."

Emily giggled at the ridiculous suggestion and Hotch felt himself relax a little, they were easing back into their usual friendly rapport and he was relieved.

"Garcia said he was fuming and refused to calm down until she told him about... what had really happened." Hotch paused. "Why didn't you tell them? Were you trying to protect me?"

"Yes." Emily admitted softly. "They wouldn't understand and I don't want them thinking badly of you... especially now. JJ knows though. Only JJ."

"I thought so. She seemed anxious for us to talk. She take it okay?"

"She was a little shocked but she thought... she said that – that I should have told you I was pregnant. She said that you would have been supportive and that you had been sitting here for two days..." Emily bit her lip and met his eyes. "She said you loved me..."

"Emily..."

She held up her hand to silence him. "And then I asked her if there was something wrong with me because after everything that's happened I love you too."

Hotch was silent as the meaning of her sudden admission sank in. She loved him. She just said it out loud. He gaped at her in disbelief for a few seconds before leaning across and kissing her forehead lightly, whilst still grasping her hand.

"Of course I love you Em. I have for a very long time now. I just didn't really know where I stood with you." Hotch stared at her so attentively that Emily squirmed uncomfortably beneath his gaze. Normally stoic and controlled, his brown eyes were alight with emotion.

"I want to be there for you, for everything. I want to show you how much you mean to me, how much I love you. Em I just need you to let me have that chance."

Hotch stood up as JJ entered Emily's room, closely followed by Garcia and Reid. Morgan and Rossi stood in the doorway, unwilling to cramp the now crowded ward any further.

"How is she?" Garcia stared at the now sleeping Emily as though she might disappear in a puff of smoke.

"Recovering. She's actually only been asleep a few minutes. You just missed her."

JJ noticed Hotch still held Emily's hand. He seemed to be unaware of this small gesture and she smiled at him encouragingly. He followed JJ's gaze, releasing Emily's hand quickly and sat down, feeling his face become hot whilst Dave grinned at him.

"Excuse me." A doctor had appeared in the doorway next to Dave. "Ms Prentiss?"

"Asleep. Do you want me to wake her?" JJ enquired.

"No. Um." The doctor's eyes swept over the crowd assembled in the room. "Which of you is... was the father?"

"Me." Hotch stood up, defiantly meeting the shocked stares of him teammates. "I was the father."

Hotch left the room with the doctor as the remaining team members exchanged stunned expressions. Only JJ and Dave were unsurprised by this new development. JJ shrugged at Garcia's exasperated stare.

"What?"

"Hotch and Em...? It is true? But Em told me that..."

"Don't go there Pen." warned JJ, glancing at the rest of the team warily. "Later." She whispered.

"Relax baby girl." Morgan smiled mischievously. "He didn't mean he was _biologically_ the father. He's just looking out for Prentiss, you know, being there for her."

"Oh." Garcia relaxed against him. "That's kind of sweet. I wondered if they'd ever admit it to each other."

"Hotch has barely left her bedside in two days." JJ smirked at her. " I think that's quite an admission in itself don't you?"


	10. Chapter 10

**We are on the home run – one chapter to go...**

**Anyone see the season finale last night? I'm in Australia and we won't get it for months.. Tried to download the torrent file but it won't work. Any suggestions?**

**Enjoy **

/

**Unforgiveable – Chapter 10**

"You really didn't have to come and stay with me you know? I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself."

Emily was tired and becoming irritated by Hotch's constant attention. A few months ago she would have been thrilled by the idea of spending the weekend with Hotch but right now she just wanted to be alone.

"I don't doubt that. But you've had surgery and the doctor advised against leaving you alone... and you're not supposed to be doing anything anyway with the stitches in."

"_Two_ stitches! Anybody would think I was dying!"

Hotch frowned at her choice of words – she could have died and she was fully aware of that fact. He knew, however, that there was little point in arguing with her about her condition, Emily was... just Emily, and she hated having to be looked after.

"How about you sit down and we can watch a movie. I'll even let you choose."

"Really?" Emily smiled a little in spite of herself.

"Yes. I think I'm brave enough – haven't seen your DVD collection yet though. Surprise me!"

Emily sat on the couch and leaned over to pull the drawer of the coffee table open for Hotch to inspect her DVD's. There was a half-read novel sitting on the couch and Hotch picked it up so he could sit down next to her. Several leaflets which Emily had been using to mark her place in the book fluttered to the floor and Hotch bent to pick them up reflexively. He heard Emily gasp next to him and cursed his clumsiness , the leaflets contained advice on prenatal nutrition and vitamins – Haley had been given the same ones when she was pregnant with Jack.

"Sorry." He picked them up quickly and stuffed them back into the book.

"It's okay." Emily replied softly, even though Hotch could see that it was not.

Emily could feel her eyes beginning to swim with tears and brushed them away angrily. She would not cry in front of him – not _again_.

"Come here." Hotch held his arms out to her, offering a hug and she took it gratefully, concealing her tears in the shoulder of his shirt. Once in his arms she broke down completely, sobbing noisily and unashamedly. Why is it that you can stay always composed until someone hugs you she wondered? Hotch must think I'm a blubbering idiot.

A few minutes passed and Emily found herself spent. A quiet numbness had overcome her and she relaxed against Hotch's chest, enjoying the warmth and listening to the sound of his heartbeat. He rubbed her back in gentle circles and stroked her hair. How could I have ever wanted to hate this man? She wondered.

Hotch sensed that Emily had stilled and wondered if she had cried herself to sleep. He knew that she would feel the loss of their baby for a long time to come. Although he shared her grief Hotch was unsure of how best to support her through it.

/

Emily woke to find herself still draped against Hotch's chest. He hadn't moved the whole time she had been sleeping and she felt warm and relaxed curled up with him. Lying so close to him, she was surprised to realise that even after everything that had happened between them she still felt totally comfortable in his embrace. She wanted him near, trusted him more than anyone else and craved only for his touch. Emily could feel Hotch's breath near her cheek and nuzzled against his collar, enjoying the unique scent of his aftershave.

Hotch felt Emily shift against him and raised his head slowly. Finding her awake he kissed the top of her head and moved to stand but Emily held him still, pulling him closer.

"Em?"

"Just hold me please. Don't go."

Hotch resumed his position on the couch and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"What is it? What do you want?"

Emily stared at him for a second before pulling him into her, planting a tentative kiss on his lips. Hotch pulled away, stunned.

"Em? What?"

"Shhh."

Emily pulled him closer again and kissed him again, far less tentatively this time. Hotch found himself unable to pull away and deepened the kiss, sliding his hand up into her hair.

"Em." He breathed as their mouths finally parted. "Em..."

Her hands moved to his waist and he felt her slide them under his shirt, warm against his bare chest and he moaned, feeling himself become aroused. Her touch was like fire and he gasped as she skimmed her fingers across his nipples before focusing her attentions on undoing the buttons of his shirt. Her actions sent him crazy and he momentarily lost the ability to think clearly, his senses consumed by the passion she was creating in him. It wasn't until she had pulled him down on top of her on the couch that he fully comprehended where they were headed, where this was going and he struggled to regain control. He could feel his hardness pressed against her thigh and felt disgusted with himself. What the hell was he thinking?

Hotch unwound her arms from his neck and sat up slowly, breathing heavily. He felt guilty for letting things go that far – what was he a teenager again? Emily looked up at him in confusion.

"Hotch?"

"No Emily... Uh Prentiss. This is not happening."

"But...?" Emily looked hurt and Hotch cursed his lack of control. She had felt his arousal pressing against her, knew he was into it – so what was the problem?

"So I'm just Prentiss now?"

"Emily... please. We can't do this. Not now."

Emily grabbed his hand and pulled him toward her again.

"Please Hotch, please – I need you." Emily begged him.

"No." His reply was firm.

"But..."

Hotch shook his head, silencing her.

"You still have stitches in. The doctor said you would be bruised inside from the surgery -no strenuous activity. Aside of all that I don't think you're thinking straight. You're grieving, you're tired and you're high on painkillers. You're not ready for this, neither of us are and it's not going to happen this way."

"I'm fine really Hotch. I am."

"No. You've just spent the last couple of hours crying. I don't want you waking up tomorrow feeling like you've made a mistake." His eyes were dark and intense and to Emily, he looked almost angry.

"I won't take advantage of your vulnerability and I don't think needy consolation sex is what either of us really wants or needs right now."

Emily glared back at him for a few seconds before acknowledging the truth in his words.

"I'm sorry." She cupped her face in her hands and Hotch knew she was almost in tears again. "I just wanted... I need to erase it. I need a new memory, something else."

"A distraction?" Hotch was unsure of what she was trying to say.

"No. I mean I need another memory... of you, of us. Something good... so I can forget the last time we were... together. I don't want to remember it." Emily swallowed and composed herself. "I'm sorry. I know I'm being silly."

"It's not silly Em, not at all." Hotch spoke softly as he stroked her cheek lightly. "I can completely understand you not wanting to remember." Hotch felt nauseated thinking of how much she must have suffered by him on that day. He suddenly realised his shirt was still unbuttoned and hastily began doing it up, flustered.

"What I find really difficult to comprehend is why you're still standing here next to me."

Emily giggled. "It's my apartment. Why are you here?" She smiled at him sheepishly.

"You know what I mean." Hotch returned her smile. "How do you still tolerate me? With all the painful memories?"

"Because it's you." Emily shrugged. "Because you're Hotch and I trust you. I doubt anything you did would ever change that."

Hotch grasped her hand. "Em..."

"Even now I want to be with you... was talking about making new memories with you. There's no one else I trust like that. The memories..." Emily considered him for a moment; surely he must have some inner demons too. "What do you remember... of that day I mean?

"Not a lot." Hotch admitted gently. "Only just flashes and sort of visions..." He turned away, unable to meet her gaze. "I remember waking up after you had left and feeling like I had just... had just murdered my closest friend..."

"Oh Hotch." Emily was shocked by his assertion. It must have been awful.

"I recall most of it actually... I mean I know exactly what happened but can't remember it happening – sort of like I was never really there..." He frowned. "I don't want to think about it."

"I know. Sorry."

"Prentiss will you _stop_ apologising!" His voice softened. "Emily today when we were on the couch... I _did_ want you. You know that don't you?"

"Well I thought so."

"I do want you. I really do. But I want our first time, and I mean _first_ to be special. I want to make love to you – not a quick fumble on the couch. Do you understand me?"

"Yes... So... now?" She asked innocently.

He swatted her lightly with a couch cushion. "I love you Emily Prentiss..."

/


	11. Chapter 11

**Here is is - the last chapter...**

**This chapter is largely smut... Not graphic I dont think but definite smut. Read at your own risk! **

**** rated M****

**Unforgiveable – Chapter 11**

_*****One week later*****_

Emily stumbled into the kitchen in her pyjamas and dressing gown. Still foggy from sleep, she was surprised to see Hotch sitting calmly at her kitchen table. Dressed in a dark suit and crisp white shirt he looked "all business" and she could scarcely believe it was the same man who had hugged her for hours the night before.

"Good Morning." Hotch glanced up at her from the newspaper he was reading as he addressed her.

"Hey. Sleep well?"

"I should be asking you that." He put the newspaper down and offered her a cup.

"Thanks." Emily sat down self consciously, adjusting the robe around her waist. Sitting there next to her boss in his perfect suit she felt hopelessly underdressed in her pyjamas and robe.

Hotch noticed her discomfort and smirked at her devilishly. "Nice do."

Emily grinned back at him, pleased to get another glimpse of the rarely-seen dimples. Yep, this was the man who had hugged her yesterday alright.

"Thanks. I try. You heading in to work?"

"No. I just thought I'd dress up and make you breakfast." Again the dimples. "Yes I am heading into work. I have a meeting with Strauss this morning."

"Oh." Emily felt her pulse quicken. "You're not in trouble are you? Is it to do with me?"

"I don't know." Hotch shrugged and picked up his briefcase. "Don't stress about it. Dave and I can handle Strauss. I'd better go."

***/**/***

"Agent Hotchner. Please have a seat." Strauss closed the office door as Hotch sat down uneasily. Was he about to get his butt kicked again? Had one of the team finally connected the dots and reported him?

"How is Agent Prentiss this morning?" Hotch grimaced as she continued. "...Agent Rossi informed me that you were overseeing her recovery yourself."

Hotch was confused, there appeared to be no malice implied towards him in her words or body language. What the hell had Dave said to her? What was this meeting about anyway?

Hotch cleared his throat. "I am and she seems to be doing well. I expect she will want to return to work soon."

"Yes. About that – I think that under the circumstances... after what she's been through..." Strauss eyed him cautiously. "You do know what I'm referring to don't you?"

"Yes I know." Too well, he thought.

"I think it would be prudent to have Agent Prentiss undergo a psych evaluation before returning to work. Just to be sure."

Hotch felt himself relax slightly. Was that all she wanted?

"Yes Ma'am. I was going to suggest the same thing myself."

"Good. See that it happens then."

Strauss rose, the meeting was over and Hotch had survived, unreported, yet again. He turned and reached for the doorknob.

"And Hotch?" He stilled, had she _really_ just referred to him as Hotch?

"Yes."

"Thank you for looking after Emily. Take good care of her."

Hotch nodded speechlessly. Strauss _thanking_ him for something? Who was this woman and what had happened to the _real _Strauss? If only she knew... he thought...

***/**/***

Emily was dozing lightly on the couch when awakened by a knock on the door. She sat up quickly.

"Hotch?" Glancing through the peephole she was surprised to see not Hotch but JJ standing in the hallway.

Emily unlocked the door and opened it hastily. "Morning JJ."

"Afternoon actually." JJ corrected her. "I was thinking you might like some lunch." She held up a paper bag she was carrying. "Muffins?"

"Thanks." Emily's appetite had returned and she accepted the muffin gratefully.

"Is Hotch not feeding you?" JJ smirked.

"What? I can feed myself!" Emily was indignant. "I'm not totally helpless JJ!"

"I know silly... just kind of nice to have a hot overprotective man looking after you sometimes, don't you think?"

Emily groaned and felt her face redden. Did JJ really have to use the word "hot" when referring to their boss?

"So what's new at work? Have I missed anything?" Emily remembered Hotch's meeting with Strauss this morning and was afraid to ask. "Hotch had to meet with Strauss this morning. He hasn't called me yet. I hope everything is okay."

"Really?" JJ looked surprised. "I saw him on my way out of the office; he looked perfectly fine to me... happy even."

"What? He frowned slightly less than normal?" Emily smiled, things must be okay with Strauss. "How are the rest of the team doing?"

"Well... we all miss you. Looking forward to having you back. Everyone will feel a bit more relaxed when you're back. We've all been worried."

Emily rolled her eyes. "I'm _fine_ JJ!"

"I know that and Hotch knows that but the others..." JJ shrugged. "Rossi feels guilty for keeping your secret from Hotch, Garcia and Morgan chat about what revenge they would like to exact upon the culprit should they ever find him and Reid... well Reid just looks kind of shellshocked."

"And Hotch? How is he dealing with all that?" Emily frowned and bit her lip.

"Under the circumstances... pretty well. He kind of disappears when Garcia and Morgan start their tirades, and he won't look me in the eye..."

"He knows that you know." Emily confirmed.

"Yeah but I don't hold any grudges... well, not really..."

JJ helped herself to another muffin to cover the uncomfortable pause.

"Speaking of Hotch... What's it like to be living with the 'boss man'?" JJ imitated Garcia's pronunciation of "boss man" perfectly.

"We're not living together JJ!" Emily could not keep the exasperation out of her voice. "It's not like that."

"Well... maybe not yet... Just a matter of time."

"JJ!"

"Well you both admitted how you feel. What's stopping you?"

"It's a bit more complicated than that." Emily frowned. "There's work and stuff."

"Oh." JJ looked awkward. "Yeah I guess it would be a little weird after everything..." She trailed off. "Does he make you nervous?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know... when he touches you the first time. It might make you freak out."

JJ looked uncomfortable and Emily giggled at her unease. "Oh I don't think _that's_ going to be a problem."

***/**/***

Emily took a deep breath as she entered the office. She hadn't seen her teammates in almost two weeks , since the hospital and was nervous about her first day back. She knew it was totally irrational but even so could not help worrying that they would be angry at her for not confiding in them. Hotch noticed her discomfort and paused as he opened the door for her.

"You okay? You seem a bit... anxious." He stared at her and wrinkled his brow in concern.

"I'm fine." Emily replied, reconsidering her answer as she met his gaze. Even in the office Hotch always had a way of "x-raying" her with his eyes and she felt she could hide nothing from him. "I am nervous actually. Not sure why."

"Don't be. Everything is going be fine." Hotch smiled at her and Emily smiled back, 'damn those dimples!' she thought.

"Hey welcome back!" Morgan and Garcia took turns embracing Emily as Reid waved shyly from his desk. Rossi and JJ stood back grinning, awaiting their chance to greet her.

"Come on guys – give her some space." Hotch commanded as Rossi began hugging her, in Hotch's opinion, a little too tightly.

"Jealous?" Queried Reid rather timidly, from his desk.

***/**/***

"So how was your first day back?"

Emily and Hotch walked towards his car, bags and files in hand.

"Fine. I'm not sure what I was so worried about."

"Scared of your boss giving you a hard time?"

Emily giggled. "Well it is a little weird, you know, us working together and you staying with me and everything. Doesn't seem to bother anyone though."

"No. Strauss even thanked me for looking after you so well."

"WHAT?" Emily felt her jaw drop. "She knows you're staying with me?"

"Yeah Dave told her. Not sure what he said to her but she seems to be okay with the situation."

"Remind me to buy him dinner sometime." Emily shook her head. "How he controls that woman I will never understand and I'm not sure I want to."

***/**/***

"Emily!"

Jack released his father's hand quickly and bolted over to where Emily sat on the couch.

"Hey Jack. How was your camp?"

"Aunt Jess wouldn't let me take Sam. Dad said I could bring him tonight."

Hotch grinned apologetically and held up the hamster cage.

"Sam is always welcome at my apartment. Just like you and your Dad." Emily winked at Hotch.

"You know you really don't have to stay with me anymore." She addressed Hotch. "It's great having you and Jack here but I really can look after myself."

Hotch kissed the top of her head lightly. "Just for the weekend. I promise I will stop worrying and leave you alone after that. Jack can share the guest room with me."

Emily smiled. "And Sam?"

Hotch shrugged. "You need a bunkmate – he's all yours."

***/**/***

Hotch awoke sometime later, disoriented in the dark and unfamiliar bedroom. He raised his head off the pillow carefully, anxious to avoid waking Jack who dozed peacefully next to him. What had awakened him? Jack obviously wasn't disturbed, maybe he had imagined it.

Another whimper. He definitely didn't imagine that. Was it Sam turning his hamster wheel? Was there an intruder in the apartment? Hotch wasn't taking chances with Jack and Emily's safety and rolled over cautiously, untangling himself from the sheet. He blinked a few times, convinced he was being paranoid, whilst he waited for his eyes to adjust to the dim light. He stood gingerly and opened the guest bedroom door, fumbling for the light switch in the lounge.

A loud crash emanating from Emily's bedroom interrupted his search. Heart racing he yanked the door to Jack's room shut and grabbed his gun, creeping his way to Emily through the darkness. In a move that would have made Morgan proud, he kicked the door to her room open and threw on the light.

"Emily!"

From her position on the floor Emily jumped backwards in shock and collided with the bedside table clumsily.

"Hotch? Jesus what are you doing?" She shrieked at him.

"Sorry." Hotch lowered his gun quickly, feeling like an idiot. "I heard a crash."

Emily just gaped at him wordlessly, trying to catch her breath.

"I heard a noise. I'm sorry for scaring you." Hotch mumbled. "I just... I'm sorry."

Hotch groaned inwardly. What was he thinking bursting into her room with his gun drawn? He could see that he had frightened her – hell, he would have scared anybody.

"Emily." Hotch crouched down next to her and grasped one of her trembling hands. Her hair was tousled and she stared at him -pale and unnerved. How could he have been so foolish?

"It's okay. I'm okay." Emily inhaled deeply. Releasing his hand she pointed a quivering finger at the floor where she had been kneeling. The remnants of a lamp lay shattered on the floor next to the bedside table.

"I think..." Emily paused to take another shaky breath. "I had a nightmare... I woke up and when I reached for the lamp I must have knocked it off. I'm sorry."

Hotch held out his hand and Emily accepted the gesture, pulling herself to her feet unsteadily. "Did I wake Jack?"

"No you didn't." Hotch whispered soothingly. "Don't worry. Jack can sleep through anything."

Emily nodded and rubbed her elbow absently, she had grazed it from the impact with the table and Hotch could see a red mark forming.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Hotch attempted to stow the gun in the waistband of his pants and became suddenly aware that he was shirtless and clad only in a pair of boxers. Feeling stupid he settled for placing it on the table. "You look terrible Emily. I'm sorry."

"It's fine really." She smiled at him weakly. "I'm sure I looked terrible before you barged in. It's not your fault."

"Nightmare?"

"Yeah. The worst." Emily sat down on the bed heavily, rubbing her eyes as though she were trying to clear the dream from her memory. "I'm okay. I'll be allright now."

Hotch nodded, debating with himself whether or not to accept her dismissal or question her further. Was it his place to be interrogating her in the middle of the night like this? Did she even want to discuss it with him?

Concern for her finally winning him over, he sat tentatively on the bed next to her. She glanced at him, confused, and found herself flustered by his penetrating gaze. His eyes were dark and troubled.

"You don't have to tell me Em but the nightmare... was it...?"

"No." She interrupted him quickly. "Um maybe... at first I... I'm not sure." Emily lowered her eyes and stared at the broken lamp on the floor.

Discomforted by her admission, Hotch frowned and moved to stand up. She had been having a nightmare... presumably about him, and he had shown up in her bedroom half naked and waving a gun! He cursed his lack of tact for causing her so much distress in one night. How could he have been so insensitive?

Hotch was surprised when Emily grabbed his arm and pulled him back down next to her.

"Don't go." She stared at him, eyes pleading. "It was just a stupid dream... please don't go."

"But your nightmare...?" Hotch was both desperate to hear about it and desperate not to. He swallowed and resumed his place on the bed next to her.

"It started off as... It was... but then it changed to K-Karl Arnold. It was... It was awful."

Hotch cringed. Karl Arnold... his fault also.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I just want to forget... but I'm afraid to go to sleep again. What if he comes back? What if I dream about him again?" Emily eyed Hotch nervously.

"He won't..."

"Stay with me?"

Emily stared at him beseechingly and Hotch faltered, unable to refuse such an emotional request.

"Of course."

Hotch shuffled over on the bed and lifted the sheet over Emily. She snuggled down into his embrace, warm and comfortable now between the sheets. Hotch tried to ignore the tickling of her hair against his bare chest. This was definitely a bad idea.

"Do you get nightmares?"

Hotch nodded numbly. "All the time..."

"What do you do?"

"Um... try to think about something else. Try to distract myself... Sometimes I try to stay awake."

"I never pictured you getting nightmares. You always seem so... composed."

"We all have nightmares Em. I'm no different."

Emily traced her fingertips lightly over the scars on his chest. If anyone had a reason to experience nightmares, it was Hotch. He followed her movements with his eyes.

"Thank you for staying with me."

"No problem. I just hope I can help."

She smiled at him avidly. "Just by being here you help. You always help."

Hotch knew otherwise but grinned at her anyway. "I only wish that were true. I love you Emily."

Emily stared at him, shocked by the unexpectedly honest admission. Hotch rarely showed any emotion, at least not at work, and never spoke of his feelings. The man never ceased to surprise her. She leaned in and brushed her lips against his, gauging his reaction whilst her hand slid from his chest to his neck, finally resting on the side of his face.

"I love you too Hotch."

Hotch gasped as her lips brushed his. Did she have any idea what this was doing to him? He knew that he probably should excuse himself and return to his own bed, it was the most decent thing he could do in the situation, yet he could not tear himself away from her. Her touch was almost intoxicating and he fought to retain control of his thoughts and actions.

Hotch gulped slightly as Emily's hand moved once more, sliding down to his waist. She kissed him again, less chaste this time, and he found himself obliging her as his body responded eagerly. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in closer to him, feeling the softness of her breasts brush his chest through the thin t-shirt she wore.

Emily moaned into his neck as he embraced her. Her boss... _Hotch_ was lying next to her. In _her_ bed, half naked... _Hotch!_...and she felt nothing but safe and comfortable in his embrace. How did I get here? She wondered. A couple of months ago she could not stand next to him without trepidation and now here she was, about to get naked with him – or was she?

Hotch felt himself harden as Emily moaned. He lifted the hem of her t-shirt uncertainly, was this really a good idea? As he considered where their actions were leading and the inevitable consequences he sensed her hand moving lower, much lower and he tensed as she brushed against him through his boxers. As her touch became more insistent he stilled, considering her. Was she really ready for this?

"Emily?" He grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away from him. "Em? I'm not sure this is a good idea? Are you really ready for this?"

"Hmmm... Hotch" she sighed. "Please? I want this."

Hotch took hold of her other hand and kissed it tenderly as Emily's expression urged him on. In a sudden bold move he rolled on top of her, still holding her hands, and stared down at her hesitantly, studying her reactions. Hotch knew that such an action would likely cause her some anxiety, but preferred to bring any misgivings she may have to the forefront before things could progress any further- he had to give her the opportunity to back out.

"Emily?"

She stared back at him, confused but apparently unafraid.

"Are you sure this is what you want? Sure you're ready?"

"Very." Emily grinned and pushed herself against him provocatively.

"Are you nervous?"

"No... well maybe a little. I want to do this Hotch. I want another memory."

"I think that can be arranged." Hotch smiled and then sobered quickly. "You know you can tell me to stop at any time and I will. You can trust me..."

"Hotch?"

"Yes."

"Stop talking."

Emily wrapped an arm behind his head and pulled him down to her mouth. Their tongues danced and she felt as though her body were on fire. Hotch's hands returned to the hem of her shirt and she raised herself off the bed allowing him to slip it over her head. The resultant skin contact was electric and Emily soon found herself needing more. She slid her hands under the waistband of Hotch's boxers and he felt himself quiver in anticipation of her touch. He wanted nothing more than to push her back into the bed and bury himself in her, but he forced himself to be patient, he was going to do this right.

Emily tugged at his boxers and Hotch jerked them down, groaning as the friction caused by the fabric against him was almost painful. He moved back on top of her and placed his mouth on her nipple, suckling gently whilst she squirmed against him. Unlike the last time they had been together, she wanted to savour every sensation, remember every moment. She was not going to shut her eyes and hide in her mind this time, no way.

"Emily?"

Hotch's hands had moved to her shorts and she pushed herself back, away from him to take them off. He was confused for a second, half expecting her to freak out and run from him, but then she moved back, against his side, now completely naked as he was. He took a moment to consider her, having little recollection from the last time they were together of just how beautiful she really was. Lying there naked with her he felt both exhilarated and terrified. What if it was terrible? What if she hated it? Could he stand losing her again? Hotch frowned as he noticed the fresh scar on her abdomen. Had she really healed?

"What's wrong?"

Emily could see the change in his expression and stared at him worriedly. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

Hotch rolled her back under him and moved his lips to the small scar. He kissed it gently. She shivered and pushed her hips against him, almost as a reflex. Her eyes widened as his mouth dipped lower, his tongue finding her most private place and she moaned, tangling her fingers in his hair as she climaxed quickly.

"Oh Hotch." She breathed. "Don't stop!"

For a person who was usually so stoic and dispassionate, Hotch was astonishingly good at this, Emily thought. How could people have ever described him as cold? Emily giggled. If only her teammates could see her now...

"Condom?"

"Hmmmpht?" Emily could barely assemble a coherent thought.

"Emily do you have a condom?"

"Oh. Yeah."

Emily reached into the drawer beside her, handing him the foil package. He accepted it with shaky fingers and rolled it on himself gingerly as she watched, slightly in awe of his size. No wonder she had felt as though she were being split in two last time, she'd been too horrified to look.

Hotch followed her gaze and guessed the reason for her apprehension.

"Don't worry." He chuckled. "I know how to use it."

Emily grinned as he positioned himself of top of her and nudged her legs apart. Her heart was hammering and she was nervous but not afraid. He paused and stared down at her, searching her eyes with his.

"Em? Are you sure? You know I can stop if you want."

"You can?" She giggled.

"Yes but obviously I'd rather not."

"Don't stop Hotch..." She kissed him. "Don't stop."

Hotch smiled and held his breath as he pushed into her slowly, enjoying the sensation. Once inside he stilled and observed her quietly, savouring the moment.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine." Emily sighed. "Don't stop."

***/**/***

Hotch threw the covers over them a short time later.

Emily lay curled up next to him, her head resting against his chest as she pondered their extraordinary relationship. Once just her boss, he had somehow melded himself into her life, unexpectedly becoming her best friend and now, her lover. Fate had brought them together in the most bizarre way imaginable but Emily was strangely thankful for it, even so.

"Hotch?" She touched his face lightly.

"Mmmm."

"Thanks for the memory..."

***/**/***

**THE END!**

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Going to take a couple of weeks off before continuing on with my other fic...

HOTCH AND PRENTISS FOREVER!

The_Ret.


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